I received an email from a TCF reader which goes….
“I am very new to the dating/courting scene and i recently started up on a Catholic dating app. I have specified that I am in favour of traditional Catholic courting (which is interestingly more similar to the type of “dating” in my culture).
However I’m not too sure when one should ask certain questions. I believe in traditional family roles, so naturally, I am in favour of a man who sees it to be his duty to provide for a family. But when would you say it is tasteful to ask a man about his income?
I want to homeschool my children and by the grace of God I am trying to learn and grow in the virtues and skills needed for a woman who’s vocation is marriage. But I’m not sure when it would be considered decent (or if it is) to ask a gentleman about his ability to provide somewhat sufficiently. I am also unsure of how to do so tastefully.
I hope that makes sense. I do appreciate your help, I’m rather alone in this aspect of my faith and don’t have anyone I can ask about this.”
A woman with a plan. Now, this is what we like to see!
Too many people, men and women, get trapped in unsuitable or even dangerous relationships simply because they do not ask the right questions and they take everything the other person says at face value.
You owe it yourself to ask the right kind of questions.
Courting/dating, after all, IS an investment of your time, heart and emotions into another person and you will not take on an investment without knowing much about it.
Now the answer to TCF reader’s question, let’s call her Miss X, isn’t as simple as stating on your dating profile “hey! i am only interested in a provider male” or asking “how much do you earn?”
This move might seem forward or even rude to many people.
And while it is perfectly acceptable to ask a man how much he earns in certain cultures like America, it is frowned upon in other cultures.
So how can Miss X find out a man’s income and his willingness to provide?
She also mentions her interest in a traditional-type relationship and a desire to be a housewife after marriage.
Before a woman goes seeking a traditional masculine provider man, she needs to understand that men like these go for their own complement – a traditional, feminine woman.
Are you displaying the qualities of a traditional, feminine woman?
Does your dressing, behaviour and demeanour reflect this?
Does your dating profile showcase this?
Do you have traditionally feminine skills and are these reflected in your dating profile?
This is how you communicate that you are a traditional, feminine Catholic woman without overtly saying it.
Remember, mystique and tact are traits of femininity.
Men are visual and your dating profile should take this into account.
These are elements you should have in your dating profile:
- 1x clear head shot picture
- 1x full length picture – modestly dressed in a feminine attire
- 2x other pictures of you engaged in a feminine skill/activity. So if you bake, you can post a picture of you baking and so on.
- Very little text. Men hardly read this. You can write an introduction or state what you are interested in or looking for, but don’t be verbose. Keep it short, sweet and concise.
- The “interests” part of your profile should also reflect feminine hobbies and interests.
Without these basic items, most traditional type men will not give your profile a second glance.
Of course, when you construct your dating profile following the above guidelines, you will be attractive to many men, including men who want to take advantage of you.
But just because you are diamond does not mean you have to fall in the hands of every Tom, Dick or Harry.
Manipulative or abusive men will never appreciate your worth and this is why they often treat good, wholesome women very poorly.
Your virtues won’t change a toxic or unsuitable man, so don’t waste your time entertaining these men.
So you have levelled up your dating profile like I mentioned above. What next?
Read online dating the first few messages on when and when to not initiate contact online.
When a guy contacts you on the dating site, the first thing you should do is visit his profile to ascertain if he has traditional Catholic qualities.
His profile should reflect this. If it doesn’t, move on.
This is where you can also see some signs of income level.
If he has a degree, there’s a good chance he has a good income.
Moreso, if he has a Masters or PhD. Even if his income isn’t particularly high, he still has good income-earning potential.
Some people state their job roles on their profile and this can give you an idea of his income level too.
You can also google his job position to ascertain the average salaries for people in that role.
Also, check out his location. Living in certain areas can indicate a good income level.
If his full name is provided, make sure you Google him for your safety.
You might be able to come across his social media where you can discretely observe if he practises what he says.
Does he drive or have a car? People with a comfortable salary are more likely to own a car.
It would be tacky of him to post a picture of himself next to his car on the dating site, but this is a question you can ask him after he has asked your number and you are talking to him offline.
Simply ask him on the phone “Do you drive?”
Also, look at how he presents himself, his appearance, how he is dressed, his hobbies or activities – all these can reveal his level of affluence.
Look at the way he writes – does he know the difference between “your” and “you’re”. People who do tend to be better educated and consequently more affluent.
Does he post about where he has been on holiday? This is also a clue.
In the talking stage, ie after you have exchanged numbers and he is speaking to you on the phone, you can casually ask what industry he works in or what University he attended or what he studied at Uni. This will give you a clue too.
Also, listen for his accent. Most educated people speak differently.
After he has asked you out, you have more opportunities to ascertain not just income level, but if he is willing and able to be a provider.
Does he offer to pick you up?
Of course, you shouldn’t accept this at this early stage, but it is often a sign of chivalry if he does.
Does he offer to send a cab/taxi to pick you up?
Bingo! He is both financially comfortable AND a provider.
Where does he take you for the date?
Generally, a man who is eager to please will not be precious about money and he will take you out for a meal. Coffee dates are a no – no.
Does he expect you to pay for the date?
If he does, never see him again – he is NOT a provider, regardless of his income level.
A provider will not even expect you to pay at all.
Does he bring you a small gift or token?
Even a little bunch of flowers is an indication of his willingness to be a provider.
Also, see how to know if he is marriage-minded, as just because he is financially comfortable does not necessarily mean he is marriage-minded or ready to be a husband.
Following the guidelines above, by date 2 or 3, your questions on whether he is a provider and his level of income will be answered.
If not, you can call it quits by Date 3.
Just because you went on a date with him does not mean you are obliged to enter a relationship with him. Feminine traditional women are discerning and wise.
You can call it quits with anyone at any stage of the courtship, right up till marriage, if the match is unsuitable.
I hope Miss X and other women in her position find the above information useful.
Also, bear in mind that the guidelines above can be used not just for online dating but for online social media (your Facebook, Instagram or Twitter profile) as well.
Our Lady, Seat of Wisdom, pray for us.
ad Jesum per Mariam