Navigating online dating successfully can be akin to navigating a minefield.
You see, the main advantage of online dating is that practically everyone is on there.
And the main disadvantage of online dating is that practically everyone is on there – in particular, problematic, toxic and manipulative people.
Online dating and social media is the sociopath’s favourite hunting ground. Instant, quick access to lots of vulnerable, desperately seeking love and eager to hand over precious information about themselves and/or their lives, it’s like being a kid in a candy store!
And in this modern age of fast food, fast fashion and fast dating, online dating can be particularly disheartening for those who are serious about building a sincere connection.
Do not think that the Catholic dating sites are immune to the influx of predators and sociopaths either.
Some of the most problematic, predatory and sociopathic people I have heard of, via friends, family etc, are so-called ‘Catholic’ or ‘Christian’ men who used social media and Catholic or Christian dating sites to hunt their prey.
They know that Christian dating sites will have wholesome and trusting women that they feel they can easily dupe, manipulate and use.
Remember: evil loves to corrupt, degrade and destroy good.
However, when looking for love, it makes sense to go where the fish is plentiful, right?
You do not have to swear off online dating forever.
Like all other areas of life, wisdom, patience and discernment are needed to separate the wheat from the chaff.
So here are my tips to ensure your online dating is a safe and fruitful experience.
TO INITIATE CONTACT OR NOT TO INITIATE CONTACT:
If you are in search of a traditional relationship, where you are adored and properly courted, then initiating contact is a No-no.
In fact, when you initiate contact, a vast majority of men will see that as a sign that you are:
- desperate
- easy to manipulate and use
- naive and stupid
- someone that they can mooch off.
And please, do not buy into the nonsense that he must be shy or introverted, and that is why he is not initiating contact. A guy that is interested in you will pursue. Period.
So what then is the online version of “dropping a hanky”?
It really depends on the dating site. Some sites will show when someone has visited your profile. In this case, visiting his profile is adequate. He would see that you visited his profile and in return, would visit yours. If he likes you, he would initiate contact.
If not, keep it moving. Don’t make excuses for why he hasn’t contacted. He is just not that into you.
On other sites, you have the option of swiping right or adding the person to your “likes” or “favourites”. In this case, this is enough to show interest.
The same as above applies. He visits your profile and if he likes you, he initiates.
Sending a message, a wink, an emoticon and so on is initiating contact – DO NOT DO IT!!
You want a man that would take the lead, not a man that you have to chase and eventually be his Mommy.
MESSAGING ON-SITE:
So, he has contacted you first! Woo-hoo! What next?!
Well. The next hurdle is to determine if he is truly interested in you or if he is simply a perv or a predator who likes chatting online, getting you emotionally invested in him and so on, with no intention whatsoever of meeting you.
Perhaps, he wants to keep chatting with you while he is simultaneously juggling other women at the same time.
Once again, if a guy is into you, he would not hesitate to move things further ie arranging a call and a date.
So how do you handle this stage? Be vague and be scarce.
- Keep your responses to him vague, slightly elusive and scarce.
- Do not go into personal details about yourself or your life. Not only is this dangerous, but it would make a lot of men lose interest very quickly. If he wants to get to know more about you, he should arrange a date.
- Being vague and scarce makes a man more likely to chase after you, as he would find your elusive and that would intrigue him. Remember, if you want a man to chase you, you’ve got to be chase-able.
- Do not respond to messages immediately. Give it 2-3 days between responses. A man who is interested would be very eager to hear back from you and if he is truly genuine and interested, he would want to take things to the next level. Scarcity increases desire.
- Keep it short and sweet. For example, if he writes a 3-sentence message, respond with 1-sentence.
- After your 4-6th response to him, if he has not asked for your number to call you and arrange a date, stop responding to any more messages from him. Only when he sends a message, asking to call you and arrange a date, do you then respond to him.
- If he asks you on a date and asks you to meet him before speaking on the phone, just say something like “That sounds really lovely, but I’m afraid I prefer to speak first on the phone before meeting a guy to see if we have a connection.”
The above method is how you quickly filter out time-wasters, predators, sociopaths, liars, disingenuous and generally, dangerous people.
At this stage, immediately ignore and pass off on any guy who:
- Asks you for more pictures
- Asks for suggestive pictures.
- Makes any form of suggestive remarks.
- Displays any two or more of THESE RED FLAGS.
The next stage in online dating will be the phone-call stage and that is a blog post for another day.
However, here are a few other things to be mindful of at this stage of online dating:
- It is his job to suggest a date and/or ask you on a date. DO NOT SUGGEST A DATE! Doing so instantly devalues you and makes it more likely for him to take advantage of you. Desperation is not cute!
- If using a dating app, switch the notifications so you are not automatically jumping to respond when someone sends you a message.
- Spend no more than 30-45 minutes online and set aside a time of the day to do so. You do want to appear desperate if it seems that you are always online.
- Do not go online or sign into the dating site over the weekend ie from Friday evening to Sunday night. You will come across as having no life and no mates, and this will make you easy prey for predators. Your weekends are busy with your hobbies, friends, family and self-care.
- If he asks you to suggest a date, simply say in a care-free manner, “Oh, I am sure that whatever you suggest would be fine”
By doing this, you fuel his masculinity, as you are now giving him the opportunity to lead the relationship and you become more endearing to him, as he would perceive as a carefree, down-to-earth, breezy woman.
A light and breezy, feminine woman is very attractive to men. Moreso, in today’s society full of angry, aggressive, and pushy women.
Hope these tips help and look out for the next installation in these series.
Maria, Sedes Sapientiae, ora pro nobis.
Mary, Seat of Wisdom, pray for us.
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AMDG
You told me I was embracing heresy. Thank you so much. You know zero about me and sit in judgement of me. I greatly appreciate it. Thank you for your high and mighty routine. Everyone loves it.
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Once again, I never EVER said you are embracing heresy and I never judged you.
Since you seem unable to read, here is a direct quote from my above comment: “This philosophy you speak of is more in line with the Law of Attraction New Age heresy.”
Nothing in there ever called you a heretic or said you are embracing heresy. Your deluded comment and yes, I think you are acting delusional right now, saying I said things that I never said, is baffling.
I find it quite sad, RIDICULOUS and hilarious that simply because I tell you that I disagreed with your statement and gave you Biblical truths on the topic you brought up, that you are now playing the martyr. Are you for real??!!
You have been a regular on my blog and for the most part, I have always validated your opinions and comments.
You make ONE COMMENT that I tell you I disagree with and all of a sudden, you are twisting my words, re-writing what I said.
This is just not normal behaviour. Way too creepy.
There is no point me explaining anything or defending myself any further. My original comment is still there for the world to see. What I actually said in my 1st comment to you and what you are claiming I said are two completely different things.
It’s like you are in a completely different world of your own.
I’m done. Done with you, done with your word salad, circular conversation and delusional reality.
This is classic Cluster B behaviour and you demonstrated this perfectly for my audience.
I’m not engaging any further with you, now that you have outed yourself.
You are welcome to believe whatever you want, based on whatever reality you are in. Good day.
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AMDG
A wise man once told me: “if you put someone on a pedestal they have no choice but to look down on you”. Work on yourself first. Don’t treat the opposite sex like gods or goddesses. If you are living an honest and chaste lifestyle you will naturally attract good people to you.
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I completely disagree, Terence. This is a direct contradiction of what the Bible tells us
Evil frequently seeks out good to degrade, destroy and extinguish their light. Predators seek out prey.
So, yes, we must live a honest and chaste lifestyle, but we must also not be naive and we should be vigilant over the predators.
The Bible has never ever said that by living pure and holy lives, we would always attract pure and holy people.
In fact, it tells us the complete opposite; that we would be persecuted and attacked for our virtues.
This philosophy you speak of is more in line with the Law of Attraction New Age heresy.
The Bible SPECIFICALLY tells us to be vigilant, watch and pray ie be wary and very discerning. God knows that the more holy we try to be, the more under attack we would be. Even as Christ began His ministry, He Himself was subject to temptation and to being preyed upon by the Devil.
For the enemy comes not, but to steal, kill and destroy” – as the Bible says.
Predators DELIBERATELY SEEK OUT the good and pure among us to destroy and kill.
The Bible also tells us to wise as serpents and harmless as doves. We can be pure and chaste, but we are not to be foolish – we are to be discerning, wise and discreet!
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AMDG
I have read the Holy Bible and the Catechism of the Catholic Church from cover to cover ten times and I’ve attempted to live every aspect of my life as a Catholic gentleman. Thanks for calling me a heretic, though.
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Impressive “credentials”, Terence.
If only “Reading” was included in your skill set as I never EVER called you a heretic, but feel free to twist my words.
No wonder you seem to twist and rewrite Scripture too. Must be a pattern or something.
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Definitely agree with your post, Paige! Ladies must be careful out there when venturing into dating, especially online. I’m very blessed that I was able to meet my husband at church and be courted by him!
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What a wonderful testimony!
I also did not meet my husband online.
However, I still applied the same traditional rules that I have always used in all my previous relationships, smply because that is all I knew and all I was used to.
When a guy asks me out on a date, I have never ever been asked to pay and if a guy did so to me now, the look of horror and shock on my face would probably make him fish out his wallet – quick!
Lol. Going Dutch, flirting to get a man’s interest and all these modern nonsense is just so foreign to me.
I was raised with a clear understanding of traditional gender roles, expectations in courtship and marriage, and thanks be to God, i found a guy with a similar mindset, with a strong understanding of traditional gender roles, who pursued and courted me, and who actively encouraged me to be a SAHM before he even asked me to marry him.
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Even with my unique background, I was also raised with a clear understanding of traditional gender roles, and my mother definitely taught me if I was to be female, what my expectations should be for courtship and marriage. I was very blessed to meet my husband who shared our belief in traditional gender roles and although I worked for a while after we were married, I eventually became a SAHM.
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When I was looking at wanting to get married I tried to find someone close to my age at the local churches (I had 6 to pick from). Not only did I not meet anyone but I couldn’t even find anyone who wasn’t married, old, or a child. I have no idea where the Catholic men were in my area but they weren’t there. The singles groups at the churches were for the retired looking to share a bus ride to the casino or go golfing with. And I was almost 30, so the youth group was not the place for me.
Catholic online dating was really new ten years ago and I thought I’d give it a try. I didn’t want to use the secular sites because I didn’t want a spirituality mixed relationship. I used three different sites but the best one was catholicmatch.com
What was really nice about that site was that you could publish your moral values and how much in line with the church you were. Do you believe in papal infallibility? Do you believe in the church’s stance on contraception? Etc. Then you could mark in your profile that you were only willing to consider people who believed the same thing you did. It really narrowed the pool. I went from 1,000s of matches in my area to less than 20.
I also applied the concepts in “the ABCs of choosing a good husband” by Stephen Wood for helping me set boundaries in what to discuss. It was really helpful.
I found my husband and we chose to meet at church (a great first meeting place) and we were asked to take up the gifts. That was weird but providential. The next meeting place was at my parent’s house. And so on and so forth. We were cautious and put our faith first. We even took a semester class on the catechism together to spend more time with each other.
Online dating was the only way I would have met my husband. He lived 90 miles away and had little reason to go to any of the churches in my area. I’m thankful we have the technology but it must be used carefully.
Thanks for the post! I agree with all of it.
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Thank you for sharing your inspiring story!!
Congrats and God bless your home!!
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