Early Dating Red Flags of A Predator, Sociopath Or Abuser

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There seems to be a current epidemic of ungodly men posing as Catholics and targeting virtuous young Catholic women.  Just because a man says he is Catholic does not mean that he truly is in practice.

I hear a lot of horror stories about men on Catholic dating websites or so-called ‘Catholic’ men on social media preying on decent, beautiful Catholic girls.  They say that they are Catholics, but their behaviour says otherwise.  A lot of them do not believe or practise Catholic doctrines and teachings on chastity, modesty, premarital sex etc.

To make it worse, when you try to call them out on their indecent and immoral behaviour, they tell you that you are rigid, you are overreacting or you need to get with the times.

These men even openly admit that while they have a sordid past, they expect any Catholic woman that they date to be completely pure, virginal and with no past.   No surprises then that these predators target sweet, young, trusting and virtuous Catholic women.

A vast majority of these predatory men tend to be Catholic reverts or converts.  After living a wild life in their youth, full of sin and all sorts of depravity, using and abusing women along the way, they hit middle age, realise that they will probably end up alone and decide that they now need to find a woman that they can dominate, control, abuse and leech off for the rest of their lives.

They choose Catholic girls because a girl that is a non-christian or of any other faith will divorce them or refuse to marry them on discovery of their disordered personality.  However, a Catholic girl, no matter how badly they treat her or how much they abuse her or neglect her and indulge in porn or adultery, the Catholic girl will not divorce him……because the Sacrament of Marriage is until death and annulments, which will free her up to marry again after a divorce, are VERY difficult to obtain.

So these guys decide to ‘convert’ to Catholicism…..or if they are fallen away Catholics, they decide to ‘revert’ and then begin their hunt for a naive, trusting Catholic girl who will be their prey…..WIFE, I mean wife!

The Bible says to test every spirit; not everyone who claims to be a christian truly is and by their fruits, you shall know them.

However, a lot of these predators are very good at building a public facade of virtue and humility, so they can be hard to detect and once they get you attached to them, it can be difficult to break away.

Luckily, most predators, sociopaths, abusers and toxic individuals will throw up red flags and give you a peek of their true selves within 4 – 6 months of you getting to know them.  Most of the time, you will see these red flags within the first month.

The point of this article is not to malign all men or our Catholic brothers.  This article is written for the following purposes:

  • to help us be more discerning and to use our heads, instead of blindly following our ‘fluttering hearts’, as one gentleman said,
  • to enable us to realise that men who portray several of these traits MAY SEEM EXCITING, but are dangerous and destructive, and should be avoided.  To use an analogy, electricity looks pretty and sparkly, but is lethal
  • to prevent us from maligning or outright rejecting brothers who are truly virtuous by helping us to distinguish between a real virtuous brother in Christ and a predator masquerading as one,
  • to help us realise that no one is perfect, not even our brothers in Christ who will display a couple of traits from this list.  However, a predator will score VERY HIGHLY and display more than 4 traits on this list.

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So here are early dating red flags of an abuser, sociopath, predator and toxic man.

THEY ARE CHARMING AND ‘VIRTUOUS’

Charm is the predator’s favourite tool to hook in their prey.  They will use charm and humour to garner your interest.  Be extremely wary of the charming man.  Not all that glitters is gold. They put on a false facade that deceives and fools everyone else.  It is only when you get closer to him that you see his true character.

 

THEY JUST LOVE THE INTERNET

If you use dating sites, even Catholic ones, I am so sorry to inform you that these predators frequent dating sites for their prey.  Others will use social media such as Catholic forums, Facebook, Instagram and so on.

You see, they are like a kid in candy store when it comes to the internet.  They are able to charm and groom several victims all at the same time, having backups to their backups , just in case their scam with one potential victim falls through.

In addition, on the internet, they are able to hide their true character via charming and innocuous words, images, pictures and so on.

One-on-one interaction will quickly alert you that they are disordered as you will be able to pick up body language tells and cues, but online, they can hide behind the screen and feed you an image of a person that is just not real.

 

THEY MAKE INAPPROPRIATE COMMENTS OR LEWD JOKES

One big tell is that these sociopathic and predatory men will make inappropriate jokes or comments about your body or your body parts.

In the early days, it is completely inappropriate for a man to be commenting on your legs, lips, breasts, hips, hair and body parts.  A man that is truly decent, filled with virtue and genuinely interested in you as a person will not be objectifying you in this way.

This is a warning sign that the guy has ZERO RESPECT for you, is highly sexed, is prone to seeking instant sexual gratification and likely to compromise your virtue, and also points to sex or porn addiction.  If you date or marry this guy, you will be stuck for life to a man who cheats, has affairs, abuses you and neglects you in favour of pornography or other women.

Realise that when the predator is this inappropriate so early in the relationship, he is testing your boundaries.  He is testing you to see if you will be prime prey for abuse and to see if he can successfully compromise your purity and ruin your virtue.

You see, abuse does not generally begin with name-calling or hitting……it always starts with little acts of disrespect like these.  Run!!

 

THEY REACT BADLY WHEN YOU SET A BOUNDARY

When you call them out of their inappropriate behaviour, they may tell you that you are overreacting or that you are too sensitive or that you are reading too much into things. On other hand, they may apologise, but then shut down from you or withdraw or give you the silent treatment.

You see, they are aware that they are crossing a line, but they are testing you to see if you are a good prey for abuse.  So they overreact, gaslight you, over-explain their inappropriate behaviour or withdraw to make you feel guilty, make you doubt your own reality of what happened, AND to make you chase after them, apologise and put in MORE effort into the relationship.  Once you do that, they know that they have gotten you.

 

THERE IS CONFUSION

The number one sign of problematic behaviour is confusion.  If you find yourself feeling confused about a man’s behaviour or you find yourself googling online or searching through forums and groups for answers and advice about his behaviour in the early stages of a relationship or dating, that is a HUGE CLUE that you are dealing with a predator, an unstable person with a disordered personality.

 

THEY PROTEST TOO MUCH

Predators and abusers know exactly what they are so they will try to tell you the opposite in the hope that constant repetition will convince you.  They will insist again and again, repeatedly that they ‘just a good catholic boy’, that they are virtuous, that they are chaste – it is all lies.

Remember the phrase “methinks the lady doth protest too much’?

When a man repeatedly tells you that they are chaste, they are a good catholic boy etc etc, it usually is because THEY ARE NOT what they are trying to convince you they are.

Whatever the predator says that he is is what he is not;  whatever the predator says that he is not is what he is.

 

THEY HAVE A SKETCHY PAST

This can be in their work history or in their relationships.  Abusers, sociopaths and predators tend to leave a trail of destruction in their wake.  You will find stories that do not add up, exes that want nothing to do with them or that have them blocked; lots of short-term relationships and short-term jobs.  This is a RED FLAG that this person is sociopathic, has commitment issues unable to foster relationships and is generally unstable.

 

THEY PLAY VICTIM

A lot of them will play the sympathy card to make you fall for them and to test how empathic you are.  Predators, sociopaths and abusers deliberately target sweet, caring empathic women who they know will explain away their bad, toxic behaviour

You see, as women we are wired to nurture and care for others.  Sociopaths, predators and abusers use this trait against us. They will tell us how nobody understands them, ‘they had a horrific childhood or a horrific past relationship,  people simply misunderstand them, they were wrongly accused, they were bullied or picked on in their younger years, or in the church or in the workplace etc etc

What they want is for you to feel sorry for them and to think “Oh no,  he has had such a hard life. He is so broken. I will be the one to take care of him. I will not do to him what his ex did or what his parents did. My love will heal him and make him happy”.

No, it won’t, but the predator wants you think otherwise.

 

 

THEY LOVE-BOMB YOU

Love-bombing is a common tactic used by predators, sociopaths and abusers to get you hooked on them.  We feel flattered by the attention or think that they must be so into us, or that they are so passionate, but we do not realise that they are simply grooming us.

Love-bombing will present as lots and lots of attention, lots of messages, texts, gushing all over you on social media, leaving gushy or complimentary messages on a vast majority of your pictures, keeping you up late with lots of messaging, texts or calls.

The love-bombing tactic is utilised to a) make you fall for them as quickly as possible b) confuse you so when you see contradictory behaviour in them, you explain it away.

 

THEY BLOW HOT AND COLD

Predators and abusers are very inconsistent towards their prey.  One minute, they are gushing all over you….the next minute, they are ignoring you or withdrawing.

This Jekyll & Hyde character is done to make you feel guilty, confuse you and is a big clue that they are grooming you for more abuse.

 

LITTLE TO NO TALK ABOUT THE FAITH

When you examine your interpersonal interactions with them, you will notice little to no talk about the faith or the Church.

Talking about you, your physical attributes, your job and other aspects will dominate their interactions with you.

 

THEY PRY INTO YOUR LIFE

These sort of men who bait you by revealing something ‘personal’ about themselves or their lives to trick you into sharing more of yourself.  They want to learn as much as possible about you to a) determine if you will make a good prey and b) to know how best to manipulate and groom you.

So they will ask you questions about your life, your income or job, your house, and so on, while revealing little to nothing about themselves.

 

THEY HAVE A TEMPER

Although they would try to hide this, if you are discerning, you will see a flash of impatience, hot-headedness, anger, sulking or a temper when they don’t get their way, when you disagree with them or when you set a boundary.

In marriage, this sort of predator will physically abuse you and hurt you.

 

THEY ARE CONTROLLING AND/OR POSSESSIVE

During the dating or courting phase of the relationship, a man has no right to be controlling or possessive of you.  Unreasonable jealousy is  HUGE RED FLAG.

They will tell you that the reason why they are jealous or possessive is because they just love you so much, but this tactic is used to slowly isolate you from friends, family and any 3rd party that will be able to see them for what they truly are and warn you.

Isolating you from your friends, family or support system is done to make it easy for them to confuse, use and abuse you.  After all, you will not know if their behaviour is acceptable or not if you have no frame of reference or no input from a 3rd party.

Be wary of signs of jealousy and control, including asking you where you were, what you did over the weekend, going through your phone and so on.  These sort of men tend to be wife-beaters and emotional abusers.

 

HUGE AGE DIFFERENCE

Predators and abusers deliberately target very young women, at least 10 years or more younger than them.  They do this because they are unable to fool and manipulate women of their own age, so they go for much younger women because they feel these women will be more naive, more trusting, more pliable and much more easier to manipulate.

 

THEY CONTRADICT THEMSELVES

Psychopaths, sociopaths, abusers and predators tend to contradict themselves A LOT.  They will say one thing, then say another and when you call them out on it, they will gaslight you and tell you it didn’t happen or that you imagined it.

Even if you present them with evidence of what they said or did, they will explain it away with “Well, I actually meant *something else*” or they will say that you misunderstood them.

 

THEY FUTURE-FAKE

Predators are known to string a woman along for years, keeping her holding on with promises of a future engagement or marriage.  Telling her that if only she did this or did not do that, then he would feel comfortable about marrying her.  Sometimes, he would use education, money or work as justification for faking a future that he has no intention of fulfilling.

If you met him online, he might also delay meeting up in real life.  What this man is doing is he is grooming multiple potential prey at the same time to see which one will be the perfect, most naive and guilible prey.  It is immoral and he is wasting your time.

If you have not met within 3 weeks of first online contact, he is definitely stringing you along, regardless of what excuses he uses.  As a woman, you cannot afford to waste your precious fertile years on a man who is simply wasting your time or who is simply keeping you on the back-burner as a last option, after he has used and exhausted all his other choices.  Insulting, to say the least!

 

YOU JUST FEEL SOMETHING IS NOT QUITE RIGHT

Your gut instincts are a gift from God.  Sometimes, there is a battle between our heart and our mind, but the gut never lies.

If you are feeling that something is off about him or about the relationship, it is usually because it is.  Listen to your gut; it is the Holy Spirit warning you.

 

If you notice TWO OR MORE of the above within the first 5-6 months of knowing a person, quietly exit the relationship,  Do not tell them that you know what they are as these people can be turn dangerous, stalkerish, obsessive and vengeful.

Stay safe, dear sisters, when dating.  Not all that glitters is gold.  Focus on being CHOOSY, not on being chosen.  Trust and wait on the Lord and He will bring your Joseph to you.

Thankfully, majority of men out there are not sociopathic or predatory.

There ARE strong, virtuous, traditional, honourable, masculine, holy men out there, I promise.

 

ad Jesum per Mariam

🌹📿🌹

 

PS – 

I shared this article on the Catholic Answers Forum  and in response, the forum admin decided to pull and delete it.   I was SHOCKED that a site like that would delete something that contains helpful information for Catholic women and it made me a little wary of the administrators of the forum

Thankfully, my faith in humanity was restored because REGINA MAGAZINE  shared the article on their Facebook page.  …… a few other Catholic organisations did so, as well.

It was good to know that at least, some Catholic organisations are still looking after the bests interests of the Church members.  Be sure to join and follow Regina Magazine on their social media profiles.

 

RESOURCES:

From the attention that this particular topic has garnered, it is clear to see that this is pervasive issue, not just within the Church, but in society at large.

In addition, predators and abusers come in both unsavoury flavours of male and female.

As such, for those that have been badly affected by these destructive and dangerous individuals, here are resources that go further into the topic matter and also provide advice and guidance on the healing process.

THE ABCs OF CHOOSING A GOOD HUSBAND

PSYCHOPATH FREE

NARCISSISTS, SOCIOPATHS AND FLYING MONKEYS – OH MY!

THE PSYCHOPATHIC AFTERMATH, HOOK OF PARASITIC HELL

FROM SURVIVING TO THRIVING

PROGRESS THROUGH PROCESS

SAM VAKNIN

SEREENA NIGHTSHADE

THRIVE AFTER ABUSE

DETOX YOU

 

 

 

 

EDITED – 1ST JULY 2017

Less than 6 HOURS of publishing this post, here are the stats – see below!
Just take a look at the CRAZY AMOUNT OF VIEWS!
The blog post is also getting shared like crazy and I hope it continues to get shared to save lives from being ruined and destroyed.
This is an issue that clearly affects a LARGE AMOUNT of people and has ruined a lot of lives.
I am also fully aware that toxic people or people with sociopathic traits will try to shut me up by objecting to the article, as they VERY CLEARLY do not want to be outed neither do they want their manipulative, abusive, and predatory tactics revealed.
So here is a message just from me to you:
I SEE YOU & I instantly recognise WHAT YOU ARE and what you are trying to do.
You will not silence this message.
You WILL NOT INVALIDATE the experiences of several women who have been abused, destroyed and targeted by your sort and who have shared their experiences with me.
You WLL NOT RE-VICTIMIZE THEM by trying to discredit the facts raised in this post.
I reserve the right to DELETE AND BLOCK YOU from all TCF social media channels.
So, go troll elsewhere, k?

Screen Shot 2017-07-01 at 03.54.41

UPDATED – HERE ARE THE VIEWS ON JUST 12 HOURS AFTER PUBLISHING THIS POST.

Like I said, it is an epidemic and there are lots of people, particularly women, affected by predatory toxic people.

I actually had someone message me to tell me that the problem can be resolved by open honest communication.  Yes, if you are dealing with a normal individual.  Toxic, predatory, manipulative, sociopathic and psychopathic individuals ARE NOT NORMAL. They do not do open honest communication. They lie, manipulate, use and abuse people ON PURPOSE…..in addition, they are incredible dangerous and destructive. You just cannot reason with a predator!

Another woman told me the issue should be dealt with with humility and basically being nice. That sort of conditioning is the reason why grave yards and domestic abuse shelter are full with women who are told to be Christian-ly, nice and humble, when dealing with toxic people.  HERE IS A REASON WHY UNCONDITIONAL LOVE DOES NOT WORK FOR PEOPLE LIKE THESE.

It can be hard for us to fathom, but there are actually people out there with NO EMPATHY and who do not function like the rest of us.

Dear sisters, you are UNDER NO OBLIGATION to be nice or humble with a dangerous individual or a person that displays a significant amount of the traits listed above.  You have EVERY RIGHT to terminate the relationship and go complete NO CONTACT. Your life could well depend on it.

Screen Shot 2017-07-01 at 16.44.51

 

 

 

54 thoughts on “Early Dating Red Flags of A Predator, Sociopath Or Abuser

  1. Met him at church, and he was funny and attentive. He went out of his way to court me, just after my father died, proposing 6 months in. He started telling me he didn’t like my friends and then he didn’t like my family, always trying to separate me from my support system. Then, in public he started paying attention to thinner girls and telling me he would be proud of me if only I lost a few pounds. Then he expected expensive gifts for his birthday, etc, while making sure to buy me clearly cheap gifts. When I called him on it, he said if I lost weight, I would deserve better. He was adamant that we set the date as soon as possible, by this time, I wanted to postpone it, and he began yelling at me. Then one night it happened, he showed up at my house unannounced and without a word, clenched his fist and hit me in the face as hard as he could, knocking me against the wall. He raised his fist a second time and I shouted, “Do it again and you’re a dead man!” he put his fist down and said, “Well if you’re going to be that way about it…” He turned and walked back out. That ended the relationship and he told everyone at church lies about the breakup in order to save face. I later learned that he had been engaged 9 more times after me before he manipulated someone into marrying him. He abused his elder sister so badly and she knew that I knew what he was like, someone taking care of her after a suicide attempt contacted me to question me about him. He used to laugh at all the people he had fooled. I am praying for his wife.

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    1. wow!! you are lucky you got out in one piece.
      the man is clearly dangerous!!
      Go No Contact…..don’t try to contact his wife or warn her. It will result in more pain for you, he will turn it around, he will turn everyone against you, he will get a HUGE EGO BOOST that you are still hurting and that two women are fighting for him and it could get physically dangerous too.

      Stay safe!!

      Like

      1. When a man starts putting down your looks, it’s a huge red flag. One guy I met was very charming to me. Later, he wanted me to wax my eyebrows. He also wanted me to strip on Skype. BLOCK!!!

        Liked by 1 person

  2. I spent a year in a long distance (international) courtship and things spiralled downwards when he asked for equity in my mother’s house as a dowry to marry him. Mum has dementia and I’m her full time carer. I was going to sell up here in Australia and we were going to relocate to Michigan, mum and I were going to pay for everything including a house to live in. He had nothing to contribute financially to the set up.

    I said no. He kept trying to get me to change my mind for a couple of months. When he realised I was standing my ground he dumped me. Then a couple months after his ex girlfriend contacted me. He’d been seeing her behind my back.

    The worst part is that when I was there for a couple of months last year, I left a religious item with him that belongs to my mother and for three months I have been asking him to return it. He keeps saying he will, then doesn’t, so last week I contacted his parish priest about it. They are trying to help me get it returned. This is still ongoing as now he said he posted it but refuses to forward the tracking number to me.

    It’s messing with my head. Almost all of the points made in the article including rushing me into selling up, relocating and marrying him straight away has happened either while we were together or the months following where he says he wants to be close friends.

    There was about a five week no contact period after the breakup then he was back again but his entire life was different to how it was before. He even looked different in expression. His ex thinks he’s a covert narcissist, so I researched it and was floored at how much he fit the description. I’m still in shock and dumbfounded disbelief.

    I’ve been played. 😢

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    1. I am so truly sorry for what you went through.
      Him moving on so quickly to his next victim is very classic predatory, sociopathic behaviour.
      These people NEVER change…..they only change their masks and victims.
      The person you cared about NEVER existed, it was just a facade, a mask to reel you in….and when he moved on to the next victim, he simply put on another MASK.

      They NEVER change. Thank your lucky stars you are free. Look out for my post tomorrow on how to avoid being prey to predators

      Like

      1. Hi Paige, I saw the new post about being friends with the opposite sex and here’s the problem with it, in relation to the predator issue. In my situation the man I was courting had and insisted that he maintain close female friendships with multiple women, even after marriage. I felt very uncomfortable with it and rightly so because the first trial we went through during our courtship ended up with him having intimate online contact with the woman he dated before me.

        He can’t relate to men and has very few close male friends but lots of female friends. Women love him in friendship. Yet a number of past love relationships have been highly dysfunctional and the women described as narcissistic or evil.

        He actually told me he could have almost any woman he wanted because he was special being an authentic empath which was a gift. He could use it for good or bad purposes. In his own words he said he’s God’s gift to women.

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      2. I would be really suspicious of a man who has so many ‘female friends’ and little to no male friends.
        The fact that men generally do not like him is another red flag – THERE IS A REASON THEY DON’T LIKE HIM

        To make things worse, he is actually devaluing you by trying to make you insecure bragging that he can get any woman??
        My guess is that he uses that same line with all the other women as a manipulative tactic to make them chase after him.

        Like

  3. Here’s an email from a man whom I met on a devout Catholic dating site. He totally gushed over me at the beginning. But when I told him I wanted out of our online “relationship”, he wouldn’t take NO for an answer. When I wrote an email explaining my feelings to him as to why I felt it wouldn’t work out, this is what he wrote back: “Greetings. Let’s get this over with:

    I just want to know if there is a chance, no matter how small, of becoming something more than friends, namely a love couple (boyfriend-girlfriend) in the future. If the answer is yes, then we can keep knowing each other. If the answer is NO, meaning you will never feel something for me, then it’s over and we’ll go our separate ways and you will never hear from me again. I won’t waste my time anymore. I guess that’s simple enough. You are pretty but you are not that pretty.
    I like you very much, but I am afraid that a simple, long distance friendship is not enough for me. It’s your call.

    Regarding this:

    “Your idea is that somehow I’m a prize and you want to win me over.

    I’m not a prize. I’m human being. I am free to choose based on my own feelings.”

    I never said you were a prize to me. Choose whoever or whatever you want to choose. I never said you didn’t have FREE WILL or that you have to end up with me. Serioulsly, you are delirious. You really need to see a Shrink.

    Think it over and let me know. Your silence will also be an answer.

    Take care and God bless you.

    Sincerely:

    ‘John’ “

    Like

    1. Astounding that men like this actually exist!
      So many red flags from that message, including throwing you an insult “you are pretty, but you are not that pretty”…..WHAT??!!
      A manipulative tactic used to devalue you and make you somehow rush after him.

      This is typical game-playing manipulative predator. Here’s the thing, men like this do not go away so easily.

      My advice to you is to go No Contact with him. Do not respond to the message. I am pretty certain that after a while he’d respond again when he realises you are not responding to his game.

      When he does contact you again, no response, not a single word……BLOCK HIM.

      Well done on listening to your instincts and calling it off early. You can now spend your precious, valuable time moving forward to find someone worthy.

      Like

      1. Thanks Paige. Will do! I’m not quite sure why a man would be asking God to Bless me while insulting my looks and calling me delirious at the same time. Also, he had an interest in knowing the size of my feet and told me he loved ladies with “milky white skin.”

        They can read the Bible and talk about Jesus all they want.

        But in the end, ask yourself. Did Jesus demean and insult others?

        The fruit don’t taste good Paige…

        Thanks again for this article 😉
        Did Jesus show arrogance?

        Like

      2. see the red flag list:
        1) he reacted badly when you set a boundary – resorted to name-calling, gaslighting and turning verbally abusive
        2) he displayed confusing behaviour – saying something nice, then insulting you at the same.
        3) he objectified your body. the feet thing is weird and points to odd sexual fetishes and porn addiction
        4) he love-bombed you with heavy attention at the start.
        5) he contradicted himself
        6) he future-faked
        7) verbal abuse and name-calling while at the same time gaslighting you to make you doubt your own reality – the part where he said you were delirious and need to see a shrink. WOW!!
        8) you just had a gut feeling that he was off…….AND YOU WERE RIGHT!

        Jesus said by their fruit, you shall know them. Good Christian men exist, you just have to look at their actions more than their words or appearance.

        Like

  4. Why are you just targeting posts at women? My life was destroyed by a psychopathic woman. Utterly destroyed. She and her sisters were raised to find wealthy men to marry and divorce. Her sister, the ‘property lawyer’ turned out to be a divorce lawyer. They set me up and destroyed my life.
    The church needs to study the divorce industry and what goes on. Divorce law is completely on the side of women. False, predatory marriages are becoming more common and lawyers love it. I have 3 beautiful children and I haven’t seen them in years. Fatherhood is being destroyed. Regina is not targeted at women – it is targeted at humanity. Please show balance.

    Like

    1. I’m sorry to learn what you went through.
      The post and this blog is targeted towards women. Please read the About page to understand why this is so.

      Like

    2. Please do not take personally the fact that this article is targeted towards women. You are rare among men compared to how many women are taken for fools by predators, sociopaths, and abusers. Perhaps Paige will do some research into men who are being abused by sociopaths and the like and she can write an article specifically for men. I am female and I would not mind if an article was targeted only for men. I would not take offense to that. So I hope you will not take offense to the fact that this article is only targeted towards women. And I’m sorry that happened to you. You’re in my prayers.

      Like

      1. I have included resources within the article that will be very helpful for both women and men who have been affected.

        Like

    3. I just realized that this blog is for women and/or young Catholic girls. If you’d like to read about mens issues, you can search for a blog that is targeted towards men. There is a website called The Catholic Gentleman at https://www.catholicgentleman.net/. Perhaps you can find answers there.

      Like

  5. What do you do if a close friend is dating a guy like this? She’s completely under his spell. It’s only because I know this man’s ex-girlfriend and past employers that I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that he is a cheater, a liar, physically abusive, and a thief. He’s been ejected from at least three parishes for stealing and for suspicious contact with underage teenagers. My friend just says everyone is biased against him. I just want to make her see what kind of a man he is so that she doesn’t get hurt.

    Like

    1. There’s nothing much you can do. Predators and abusers can be very manipulative and sneaky. He would simply turn it on you and tell her you are crazy , you are jealous and don’t want her to be happy or that you have a crush on him and want to tear them apart

      Yes, they are that devious!!

      The best you can do is say something “hey! I came across this article the other day. Wow!! So scary that these sort of people exist. Tell me what you think ” and then forward her the article.

      Now hopefully she will notice some parallels in her own relationship, reflect on it and make the decision herself to end it.

      Alternatively, she could get defensive towards you because it mirrors her situation and she feels ashamed
      If she lashes out at you, you just gently tell her “why are you lashing out at me?! I never mentioned anything about your boyfriend. Is there something you’d like to me? Just remember that I care about you and I’m here, no matter what”

      Either way, she’ll make the decision herself and won’t feel like she was forced to….. you simply guided her towards making the right decision.
      Hope this answers your question?

      Like

    2. There is actually something very important to do. Pray for her and fast for your intention. Be patient and wait for the event or trigger or moment that appears. Then speak as the Holy Spirit gives Word and opportunity. I am serious. Have Faith. The Father answers all prayer and not always as we imagine.
      First of all, I got rid of several of my sisters predatory boyfriends that way until she found the ‘one’. And this brings me to another important point that this excellent article does not raise. Place yourself under the close protection of a discerning Catholic relative. Trust yourself to them. For me it was my mum and dad with whom I lived who checked everything out and gave sound advice and confirmed my gut instinct when I finally met the ‘one’. Secondly we did the same for my daughter. We were her watchful eyes, mind and heart. This again included us ‘working on’ getting rid of certain predators. They all knew our role and who was truly important to her and had to display enduring good traits. Lastly my single sister lived with my family (aged 30) for a couple years after moving out from mum and dad. My husband and I oversaw all dating arrangements and were her constant guide, protection and confidante. My husband acted as a jealous protective brother would. I prayed one man out and her husband in. St Jospeh came through on that. She didn’t marry til 36 years of age and she had despaired of ever finding the ‘one’. They were married within 6months of meeting, which I helped arrange. We couldn’t stop all bad things or heartbreak but we played our role as husband and wife, mother, father, sister, brother, daughter and son as best as we could. Family is very important. Or close Catholic wise, virtuous friends. Often that’s someone much older to turn to. If anyone ever disrespects your parents or tries to avoid them (or your protectors) they are not honest. They are hiding something and want to isolate you. If they seek to firm s family, it starts with how they treat yours.
      God bless +++

      Like

      1. Very well said!! Thank you so much for your input!

        I am actually working on a future post on how to avoid being prey to predators and steps to take and a lot of the points you raised above are addressed in the blog post, which will be on the blog tomorrow.

        Like

      2. I dated a man whom I met on Catholic Match. He was 10 years older than me. He was from opus dei, convert, attended Mass every day. After 4 years of dating I found out that he had a child with another woman through sperm donation (while dating with me), and after 5 years he told me that he regulary used prostitutes while dating with me for the last three years. I was horrified as I believed him to be commited Catholic, even though I had bad feelings at times and signs of trying to compromise my virtue. Nevertheless he still wanted a virtuous wife! He proved to be addicted to sex and that s true he mentioned marriage on the third date and wanted to rush to have many children.

        Like

      3. Thank God you were spared from marriage to the man. I always fear for the safety of children in those relationships too. Always listen to that ‘bad’ or ‘uneasy feeling’ as its a sign something is not right.

        Liked by 1 person

  6. I want to add this caveat. When a toxic abuser preys in a religious context, he might actually try to rush an innocent victim into marriage rather than string her along. The reasons for this are that once they are married, she is stuck, or believes she is, and before marriage she is often unwilling to give him sex. Up to that point, she at least theoretically knows she can walk away and find someone else. And after marriage, many conservative women believe they can no longer tell their husbands “no” when it comes to sex. This combination makes rushing a victim into marriage a more attractive idea to those who prey on more religious women.

    Like

      1. Rushing things has been my experience. They talk about marriage on date 3. Introduce their niece to you as their “future aunt” on date 4. It doesn’t help in anyway now that I’m 40…a time when women want to rush things…

        Like

  7. I am a survivor of Narcissistic spousal abuse. He posed as a good Catholic, even a layman, and 4th degree Knight. It was all a lie to manipulate me and groom me to play his sick game. I went to my church for intervention. Sought Catholic based licensed therapy. I stayed in the false marriage and my girls were victimized. No amount of Catholic counseling was going to exercise his demons, and I had to leave for life or death reasons. I was the faithful Catholic wife who made excuses for his demonic behavior and arrogance. I’m recently divorced and seeking annulment. There is no reasoning with a psychopath.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. You are right! You cannot CANNOT reason with a predator or psychopath.
      No amount of love, faithfulness or decency towards them will ever change them, either.
      They generally get worse with age and they get worse with therapy

      Congrats on having the courage to leave. You should feel proud of yourself.
      I will be praying for you as you embark on the new chapter in your life.
      God will wipe away your tears and bring you joy again.

      Liked by 1 person

  8. Great post.

    I would just like to point out that women can display this type of dysfunctional behavior as well, and I’m sure they do at the same rate that men do.

    Like

    1. Yes, this is true. Abusers can be both men or women.
      However, as this blog is specifically targeted at Catholic women, I wrote the post from that angle.
      Thank you so much for stopping by.

      Like

  9. I am now married to a very good Catholic man and we have six children, but before I met my husband…

    I had bad experiences with two men I met on a Catholic dating site. You described bits of both of them.

    In one relationship, there was only minimal damage because I ended the relationship shortly after meeting him-just a month. This one would have been disastrous if I stayed longer. All the signs were there.

    Then I met that other gentleman. It was bad. He actually was a very good Trad Catholic (when sober), but he was also a drunk and it was like a flip was switched. We dated for a year. When it was good it was very good and when it was bad, it was horrid.
    Even in retrospect, I don’t think he sought out a Catholic girl with the intention of prey. I think he genuinely wanted to have a good relationship with a Catholic, but he fell short. Very short. There was never any physical abuse, but I knew there would be- I saw the writing on the wall.
    And yet I thought I deserved it somehow. I knew this was abusive, but I thought it was “penance” or “suffering”. Offer it up, right? I thought I’d offer it up for all of my sins. And that twisted thinking is why I was there a year.

    My husband literally rescued me and we were married less than a year later. No, I wasn’t healed all the way, but my husband is a good and patient man. For a long time, I had issues that would periodically creep up that stemmed from the bad experience with Mr.Wrong. They have gradually gotten less and less and I’d say are almost nonexistent now. Almost.

    I wanted to let your readers know, in case they’re in a similar situation, that until you walk down that aisle, you can walk away easily, even if you’ve sinned. Don’t let sin be the bond. You can be forgiven, even for sins of the 6th commandment. Walk away. Walking away is a firm purpose of amendment.
    Although we Catholics are to unite our sufferings to Christ, life will hand you plenty of sufferings without this. In my case, I thought I deserved it. And then I had to learn to be normal again.
    Marriage is a different story- consult with your spiritual director since there are lots of complexities. But if you aren’t married yet, you can still be a good Catholic girl and walk away.

    Liked by 3 people

  10. I am now married to a very good Catholic man and we have six children, but before I met my husband…

    I had bad experiences with two men I met on a Catholic dating site. You described bits of both of them.

    In one relationship, there was only minimal damage because I ended the relationship shortly after meeting him-just a month. This one would have been disastrous if I stayed longer. All the signs were there.

    Then I met that other gentleman. It was bad. He actually was a very good Trad Catholic (when sober), but he was also a drunk and it was like a flip was switched. We dated for a year. When it was good it was very good and when it was bad, it was horrid.
    Even in retrospect, I don’t think he sought out a Catholic girl with the intention of prey. I think he genuinely wanted to have a good relationship with a Catholic, but he fell short. Very short. There was never any physical abuse, but I knew there would be- I saw the writing on the wall.
    And yet I thought I deserved it somehow. I knew this was abusive, but I thought it was “penance” or “suffering”. Offer it up, right? I thought I’d offer it up for all of my sins. And that twisted thinking is why I was there a year.

    My husband literally rescued me and we were married less than a year later. No, I wasn’t healed all the way, but my husband is a good and patient man. For a long time, I had issues that would periodically creep up that stemmed from the bad experience with Mr.Wrong. They have gradually gotten less and less and I’d say are almost nonexistent now. Almost.

    I wanted to let your readers know, in case they’re in a similar situation, that until you walk down that aisle, you can walk away easily, even if you’ve sinned. Don’t let sin be the bond. You can be forgiven, even for sins of the 6th commandment. Walk away. Walking away is a firm purpose of amendment.
    Although we Catholics are to unite our sufferings to Christ, life will hand you plenty of sufferings without this. In my case, I thought I deserved it. And then I had to learn to be normal again.
    Marriage is a different story- consult with your spiritual director since there are lots of complexities. But if you aren’t married yet, you can still be a good Catholic girl and walk away.

    Like

  11. I don’t know. I’m fairly sure that a normal human could display several of these traits over a period of time.
    I’m 100% sure that most men will get angry or annoyed at some point in the course of dating.
    Some of these categories seem a little vague.
    You’re hardly a sociopath for complimenting a girl you’re dating or getting a little jealous sometimes.

    Like

      1. Getting angry meaning screaming at you into the phone when you’re breaking up with him. Screaming at you and horrible insults basically.

        Like

    1. I’d add to that that getting a woman to reveal something about herself is kinda part of the normal dating process. How is that even appearing on this list?

      Like

      1. Clearly, you are either missing the point or else trying to justify sociopathic predatory behaviour!!
        The issue is not getting a woman to reveal something about herself, it is getting her to reveal much more of herself, while revealing little to nothing about yourself in return……..THAT is manipulative behaviour!

        Did you even read the article at all???

        Liked by 2 people

      2. Things I, as a Catholic, want to know about a woman:

        – opinions on the traditional Mass
        – opinions on homeschooling and education of our children
        – opinions of the faith
        – I would want to know that she is capable of passing on the faith to our children
        – hobbies, interests, likes, dislikes
        – the normal things anyone would share in a normal friendship

        I don’t really care about how much she makes, what kind of living situation she is in, or the intimate details of her personal relationships beyond knowing that she isn’t dysfunctional.

        The bottom line is I want to be friends first, because if we can’t bond as friends then it certainly won’t work out as a married couple. And all of these red flags are things that any normal guy should acknowledge as problematic behavior that needs to be worked on. But the author is clearly talking about a consistent pattern of behavior like this with no sign of him changing.

        Liked by 2 people

      3. Yes I think Adam that you
        missed several points. Read it again. If you have further issues with the content after reading the qualifying statements, then sincerely examine your own
        behaviours and intentions. With all due respect, Mumma Bear.

        Like

    2. It’s the OVERcomplimenting that is a warning sign. Example:

      My first boyfriend was like “You have a beautiful smile. You’re a sweet girl”

      Psychopath guy online that I meet is like: “You’re so beautiful. I love your skin tone. I can’t wait to kiss your lips”

      Like

  12. Very useful article, I’m so heartbreak for women in abusive marriages and the children who have to witness it (also, usually an abusive spouse doesn’t treat his children well)!
    Can you write an article about red flags in dating with non abusive people? I mean, some mens are not abusive but they are not marriage material either, how can we recognize them?
    Ciao!!

    Like

    1. Yes, I will at some point in the future write a post on that topic.
      You are right – abusers abuse those closest to them, even their own children, leading to a generation of children who either grow up to be abusers themselves or victims of abuse.
      It’s a sad and endless vicious circle, which is why education and awareness is key.

      Like

  13. Thankyou for this article, it needed to be said. I wish I had read this 20 years ago, I would have saved myself years of abuse, but then I can’t regret the past as I have 5 beautiful children. However, I pray they are wiser than me and the vicious cycle of family violence and abuse doesn’t continue to the next generation.

    Like

    1. I am so sorry that you have had to deal with one of these men. You should feel proud of yourself that not only did you survive, you are now thriving and moving forward. Sending gentle hugs

      Like

      1. Thankyou. Sadly I had to make the difficult decision to separate, on police and priest advice, for the safety of the children and I. Things aren’t perfect, but are much improved. I pray one day my husband will accept God’s mercy and grace, but in the meantime I continue to focus on raising my 5 children in the Catholic faith.

        Liked by 5 people

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