Early Dating Red Flags of A Predator, Sociopath Or Abuser

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There seems to be a current epidemic of ungodly men posing as Catholics and targeting virtuous young Catholic women.  Just because a man says he is Catholic does not mean that he truly is in practice.

To make it worse, when you try to call them out on their indecent and immoral behaviour, they tell you that you are rigid, you are overreacting or you need to get with the times.

THIS FELLA  actually admits to never wanting to get married, but is happy to keep dating women and wasting their time.

These men even openly admit that while they have a sordid past, they expect any Catholic woman that they date to be completely pure, virginal and with no past.

No surprises then that these predators target sweet, young, trusting and virtuous Catholic women.

A vast majority of these predatory men tend to be Catholic reverts or converts.

After living a wild life in their youth, full of sin and all sorts of depravity, using and abusing women along the way, they hit middle age, realise that they will probably end up alone and decide that they now need to find a woman that they can dominate, control, abuse and leech off for the rest of their lives.

They choose Catholic girls because a girl that is a non-christian or of any other faith will divorce them or refuse to marry them on the discovery of their disordered personality.

However, a Catholic girl, no matter how badly they treat her or how much they abuse her or neglect her and indulge in porn or adultery, the Catholic girl will not divorce him because the Sacrament of Marriage is until death and annulments, which will free her up to marry again after a divorce, are VERY difficult to obtain.

So these guys decide to ‘convert’ to Catholicism or if they are fallen away Catholics, they decide to ‘revert’ and then begin their hunt for a naive, trusting Catholic girl who will be their prey…..WIFE, I mean wife!

The Bible says to test every spirit; not everyone who claims to be a Christian truly is and by their fruits, you shall know them.

However, a lot of these predators are very good at building a public facade of virtue and humility, so they can be hard to detect and once they get you attached to them, it can be difficult to break away.

Luckily, most predators, sociopaths, abusers and toxic individuals will throw up red flags and give you a peek of their true selves within the first 4 weeks of you getting to know them.

The point of this article is not to malign all men or our Catholic brothers.

This article is written for the following purposes:

  • to help us be more discerning and to use our heads, instead of blindly following our ‘fluttering hearts’, as one gentleman said,
  • to enable us to realise that men who portray several of these traits MAY SEEM EXCITING, but are dangerous and destructive, and should be avoided.  To use an analogy, electricity looks pretty and sparkly, but is lethal
  • to prevent us from maligning or outright rejecting brothers who are truly virtuous by helping us to distinguish between a real virtuous brother in Christ and a predator masquerading as one,
  • to help us realise that no one is perfect, not even our brothers in Christ who will display a couple of traits from this list.  However, a predator will score VERY HIGHLY and display more than 4 traits on this list.

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So here are early dating red flags of an abuser, sociopath, predator and toxic man.

THEY ARE CHARMING AND ‘VIRTUOUS’

Charm is the predator’s favorite tool that they use to hook in their prey.

Dangerous and abusive people do not initially present as dangerous and abusive.  They will come across as really nice, charming, friendly and full of virtue.  This is the bait that they use to hook and lure you.

Be extremely wary of the charming man.  Not all that glitters is gold.

Predators put on a false facade that deceives and fools everyone else.

Only those close to them know their true character.

 

THEY JUST LOVE THE INTERNET/TECHNOLOGY

If you use dating sites, even Catholic ones, I am so sorry to inform you that these predators frequent dating sites for their prey.  Others will use social media such as Catholic forums, Facebook, Instagram and so on.

You see, they are like a kid in candy store when it comes to the internet and technology.  They are able to charm and groom several victims all at the same time, having backups to their backups, just in case their scam with one potential victim falls through.

In addition, on the internet, they are able to hide their true character via charming and innocuous words, images, pictures and so on.

One-on-one interaction will quickly alert you that they are disordered as you will be able to pick up micro-expressions, body language tells and cues, but online, they can hide behind the screen and feed you an image of a person that is just not real.

 

THEY MAKE INAPPROPRIATE COMMENTS OR LEWD JOKES

One big tell is that these sociopathic and predatory men will make inappropriate jokes or comments about your body or your body parts.

In the early days, it is completely inappropriate for a man to be commenting on your legs, lips, breasts, hips, hair and body parts.  A man that is truly decent, filled with virtue and genuinely interested in you as a person will not be objectifying you in this way.

This is a warning sign that the guy has ZERO RESPECT for you, is highly sexed, is prone to seeking instant sexual gratification, wants to compromise your virtue, and also has a sex or porn addiction.  If you date or marry this guy, you will be stuck for life to a man who cheats, has affairs, abuses you and neglects you in favour of pornography and other women.

Realise that when the predator is this inappropriate so early in the relationship, he is testing your boundaries.  He is testing you to see if you will be prime prey for abuse and to see if he can successfully compromise your purity and ruin your virtue.

You see, abuse does not generally begin with name-calling or hitting……it always starts with little acts of disrespect and boundary-pushing like these.  Run!!

 

THEY REACT BADLY WHEN YOU SET A BOUNDARY

When you call them out of their inappropriate behaviour or tell them that you do not like being treated or spoken to in a particular way, they will gaslight you and tell you that you are overreacting, that you are too sensitive or that you are reading too much into things.

Alternatively, they may apologize, but then shut down from you, withdraw or give you the silent treatment.

You see, they are aware that they are crossing a line, but they are testing you to see if you are a good prey for abuse.  So they overreact, gaslight you, over-explain their inappropriate behaviour or withdraw to make you feel guilty, make you doubt your own perception of what happened, AND to make you chase after them, apologize and put in MORE effort into the relationship.

Once you do that, they know that they have gotten you.

 

THERE IS CONFUSION

The number one sign that a predator, sociopath or psychopath is about is confusion.

God is not the author of confusion.  If you find yourself introspecting, googling to understand his behaviour or feeling confused, chances are that you are being manipulated.

If you find yourself feeling confused about a man’s behaviour or you find yourself googling online or searching through forums and groups for answers and advice about his behaviour in the relationship, that is a HUGE CLUE that you are dealing with a predator, a manipulator and an unstable, dangerous person with a disordered personality.

 

THEY PROTEST TOO MUCH

Predators and abusers know exactly what they are so they will try to tell you the opposite in the hope that constant repetition will convince you.  It is a form of grooming.

They will insist again and again, repeatedly that they ‘just a good Catholic boy’, that they are virtuous, that they are chaste – it is all lies.

Remember the phrase “methinks the lady doth protest too much’?

When a man repeatedly tells you that they are chaste, they are a good Catholic boy, they will never hurt you etc, it usually is because THEY ARE NOT what they are trying to convince you they are.

If his actions and behaviour do not match up with his words, he is a predator.

Whatever the predator says that he is is what he is not;  whatever the predator says that he is not is what he is.

 

THEY HAVE A SKETCHY PAST

This can be in their work history or in their relationships.

Abusers, sociopaths, and predators tend to leave a trail of destruction in their wake.

You will find stories that do not add up, exes that want nothing to do with them or that have blocked them; lots of house moves; lots of short-term relationships and short-term jobs.

This is a RED FLAG that this person is sociopathic, has commitment issues, is unable to foster relationships and is both unstable and dangerous.

 

THEY PLAY VICTIM

A lot of them will play the sympathy card to make you fall for them and to test how empathic you are.  Predators, sociopaths and abusers deliberately target sweet, caring empathic women who they know will excuse their bad, toxic behaviour

You see, as women, we are wired to nurture and care for others.

Sociopaths, predators and abusers use this trait against us. They will tell us how nobody understands them, or they had a horrific childhood, or a horrific past relationship,  people simply misunderstand them, they were wrongly accused, they were bullied or picked upon in their younger years, or in the church or in the workplace etc etc

For men, a woman will use the pity ploy or play the victim card to arouse your protective instincts.  Do not fall for it! It is a trap!!

What they want is for you to feel sorry for them and to think “Oh no,  he has had such a hard life. He is so broken. I will be the one to take care of him. I will not do to him what his ex did to him or what his parents did. My love will heal him and make him happy”.

No, it won’t, but the predator wants you to think otherwise and they will have you spending the rest of your life bending over backwards and running in circles to prove it.

At the end, nothing you do will ever be good enough to validate them.  You will be used, drained, sucked dry and discarded like a piece of trash, while they merrily move on to their next prey, leaving you in completely destroyed, physically, mentally, emotionally and more.

 

 

THEY LOVE-BOMB YOU

Love-bombing is a common tactic used by cults, predators, sociopaths, and abusers to get you hooked on them.  We feel flattered by the attention or think that they must be so into us, or that they are so passionate, but we do not realize that they are simply grooming us.

Love-bombing will present as lots and lots of attention, lots of messages, texts, gushing all over you on social media, leaving gushy messages on a majority of your pictures, keeping you up late with lots of messaging, texts or calls.

The love-bombing tactic is utilized to

a) make you fall for them as quickly as possible

b) confuse you so when you see later contradictory behavior in them, you explain it away.

Once they see that you have fallen for them, they then withdraw emotionally and/or physically.

This leaves you confused and you end up doing everything possible to make them happy so that things could go back to the way they were in the beginning.

Except, that beginning phase was never ever real.  The person you fell in love with DOES NOT EXIST and things will never go back to the way they were because the predator enjoys keeping you hooked forever this way so that you will accept whatever mistreatment they dish out to you.

 

THEY BLOW HOT AND COLD

Predators and abusers are very inconsistent towards their prey.

One minute, they are gushing all over you, the next minute, they are withdrawing and ignoring you. This is not normal behaviour and it is useless trying to justify or excuse it.

This Jekyll & Hyde character is done to make you feel guilty, confuse you and is a big clue that they are grooming you for more abuse.

This form of abuse is called intermittent reinforcement and it is designed to make you addicted to them and accepting of abuse or bad behaviour, in the hope that the good side of them will return.  He won’t.

The connection and the love you feel for this person IS NOT REAL – it is entirely manufactured by them.

 

LITTLE TO NO TALK ABOUT THE FAITH

When you examine your interpersonal interactions with them, you will notice little to no talk about the faith or the Church.

Talking about you, your physical attributes, your job, and other aspects will dominate their interactions with you.

Take note of what they talk about as it will give you an indication of what they are trying to get from you.  If they talk a lot about your looks, past relationships, sexual history, then they want to use you for sex.

If they talk a lot about your job and they want to know what type of house you live in, or your income, then they want to use you for money.

 

HE IMMEDIATELY DEVALUES YOU

Predatory and sociopathic men generally tell on themselves in the beginning; you only have to listen.

He would say something along the lines of “I can’t believe a girl like you is still single” or something similar.

You are clearly a catch and attractive, otherwise he wouldn’t have approached you.

But now that he finds out you are single, he is implying that something must be wrong with you because after all, you are attractive, so why hasn’t some guy snapped you up, right?

So, he is now trying to devalue you and grind down your self-worth to make himself feel better, make you grateful for his attention and also to groom you for further abuse and manipulation.

Abuse always intensifies and escalates with time.  This will not get better.

He will spend the rest of his life, grinding down your self-value and self-esteem until you feel completely worthless and with no desire to live

To a man like this, all women must be desperate to be with a man or desperate for sex, so if you are single, there must be something wrong with you.

Oh no, it couldn’t be because of any of the following:

  • You are a widow
  • You just came out of a longterm relationship
  • You took time out to focus on your education or career or work on yourself
  • Your last relationship was with an extremely toxic person and this has made you very discerning and picky about who you date.
  • Your last relationship ended badly years ago and you decided to bench yourself in order to work on yourself.
  • You are a virgin and are single because you wouldn’t put out for men

As you can see, there are many reasons why a woman is single, but men like the above generalise all women as either whores, or desperate bunny boilers.

Here is an example of such a man.  I give to you you EXHIBIT A.  Isn’t he just delightful??!

This is truly what men like these believe.  They want whittle down your self-value so much that you become groomed to accept bad treatment, abuse and disrespect from them

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WALK AWAY FAST from men like these!!

Nothing good EVER results from being involved with any man who uses the “I can’t believe a girl like you is still single.” line.

Do not J.A.D.E.

  • JUSTIFY – your status
  • ARGUE – your reality or status
  • DEFEND – your singlehood
  • EXPLAIN – why you are single.

If you engage any further with him or explain, you’ll simply convince him that you are definitely damaged and unwanted.  Nothing you say or do will convince this man otherwise.

It is not you; it is him and his hatred for ALL women, and he has revealed himself as a misogynistic sociopath.  Simply quietly give thanks to God that this man revealed himself and immediately cease all contact and communication with him

Anything you say will be used against you and used to smear you publicly or behind your back.

 

THEY PRY INTO YOUR LIFE

These sort of men who bait you by revealing something ‘personal’ about themselves or their lives to trick you into sharing more of yourself.

They want to learn as much as possible about you to

a) determine if you will make a good prey for them to use and abuse,

b) to know how best to manipulate and groom you, and

c) store away information about you that they can use against you later.

So they will ask you questions about your life, your income or job, your house, and so on, while revealing little to nothing about themselves.

 

THEY HAVE A TEMPER

Although they would try to hide this, if you are discerning, you will see a flash of impatience, hot-headedness, anger, sulking, silent treatment or a temper when they don’t get their way, when you disagree with them or when you set a boundary.

In marriage, this is the sort of predator that will physically abuse, control and kill you.

 

THEY ARE CONTROLLING AND/OR POSSESSIVE

During the dating or courting phase of the relationship, a man has no right to be controlling or possessive of you.  Unreasonable jealousy is a HUGE RED FLAG.

They will tell you that the reason why they are jealous or possessive is that they just love you so much, but this tactic is used to slowly isolate you from friends, family and any 3rd party that will be able to see them for what they truly are and warn you.

Isolating you from your friends, family or support system is done to make it easy for them to confuse, use and abuse you.  After all, you will not know if their behaviour is acceptable or not if you have no frame of reference or input from a 3rd party.

Be wary of signs of jealousy and control, including asking you where you were, what you did over the weekend, going through your phone and so on.  These sort of men tend to be wife-beaters, spousal murderers and emotional abusers.

 

HUGE AGE DIFFERENCE

Predators and abusers deliberately target very young women, at least 15 years or younger than them, especially if the woman is in her twenties.

They do this because they are unable to fool and manipulate women of their own age, so they go for much younger women because they feel these women will be more naive, more trusting, more pliable and much easier to manipulate.

Not all age-gap relationships are like this, of course, but be very wary nonetheless, and factor this Red Flag in the context of the other Red Flags in this article.

 

THEY CONTRADICT THEMSELVES

Psychopaths, sociopaths, abusers and predators tend to contradict themselves A LOT.  They will say one thing, then say another and when you call them out on it, they will gaslight you and tell you it didn’t happen or that you imagined it.

Even if you present them with evidence of what they said or did, they will explain it away with “Well, I actually meant *something else*” or they will say that you misunderstood them.

Watch and observe.  Do their actions and behaviour match their words?  If not, walk away.

 

THEY FUTURE-FAKE

Predators are known to string a woman along for years, keeping her holding on with promises of a future engagement or marriage.

Telling her that if only she did this or did not do that, then he would marry her.  Sometimes, he would use education, money or work as justification for faking a future that he has no intention of fulfilling.  He will have her jumping through hoops in the hope of a future, a relationship, a marriage or a family.

If you met him online, he might delay meeting up in real life.  What this man is doing is he is grooming multiple potential preys at the same time to see which one will be the perfect, most naive and gullible prey.  It is immoral and he is wasting your time.

If you have not met within 2 weeks of first online contact, he is definitely stringing you along, regardless of what excuses he uses.  As a woman, you cannot afford to waste your precious fertile years on a man who is simply wasting your time or who is simply keeping you on the back-burner as the last option, after he has used and exhausted all his other choices.  Insulting, to say the least!  Never be anyone’s Plan B or back-up.

 

THEY ARE HYPOCRITES

Be very wary of the so-called traditional Catholic men out there who will spout on and on about how women should be feminine, virtuous, and have all these high standards, but there is little to no talk about them working on themselves as men.

It is a form of misogyny and misogynistic men not only hate women, but they are also controlling and abusive.

Watch their social media pages or profile. Send them this article or a similar article.  Talk to them about how women these days should be more feminine and traditional. Then watch how he reacts.

If his social media, profile, and conversations are all about how women should change themselves, women should do this, women should do that, he wants a woman with little to no sexual experience  and there is hardly any info or talk about him improving himself to be an honourable, virtuous, traditional and masculine man, then you know that you are dealing with a misogynistic, abusive, predatory man who hates women at his core.

A truly virtuous and well-adjusted man will focus more on improving himself than whining and bitching about the evils and wrongs of women.

Watch out also for the men who complain about the legal system being unfair to men.

While it is true that, due to feminism, the legal system is biased against men, any man who has this persistent mindset on the legal system and his ‘precious’ assets is

  • not marrying for love,
  • is likely to be very stingy (READ THIS!),
  • already has a negative perception, hatred and mistrust of women
  • has already determined the marriage would end anyway and WILL subconsciously sabotage your relationship/ marriage to make it a self-fulfilling prophecy, and

DEFINITELY has no business getting married or even dating in the first place.  He needs to have A LOT of self-work done.

 

QUESTIONABLE EXES AND FRIENDS

When you have trouble discerning a man’s true character, look at his close friends and his exes. If his exes and friends are of questionable morals and character, there is a 99% chance that he is exactly the same.

Predators put on false masks and facades to lure their prey in, so this man who presents as charming, virtuous, and humble just might be a predatory, abusive sociopath.

If his exes were women of loose morals, immodest and pretty much nothing like you, he targeted you as prey.  If you get involved with him, not only will he abuse you horribly, but he will cheat on you with….guess who…..the same type of woman as his exes.

If his friends are a bunch of womanising alcoholics or drug addicts, guess what?

He is the same.  He is just hiding it from you.

 

YOU JUST FEEL SOMETHING IS NOT QUITE RIGHT

Your gut instincts are a gift from God.  Sometimes, there is a battle between our heart and our mind, but the gut never lies.

You do not have to wait for concrete proof that this person is abusive, predatory or dangerous.

If you are feeling that something is off about him or about the relationship, it is usually because it is.  Listen to your gut; it is the Holy Spirit warning you.

Your heart will lie to you, your head will deceive you, but your gut will never lead you astray.

 

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If you notice over 70% of the above Red Flags within the first month of knowing a person, quietly exit the relationship,

Do not tell them that you know what they are, as these people can turn dangerous, stalkerish, obsessive and vengeful.

These people are not mentally ill.  They have a personality disorder, which means that there is no medication that can help them and therapy makes them worse.  They also get worse with time and with age.

This is why you would see a seemingly quiet family man flip out one day and kill his entire family, leaving everyone shocked because they thought he was a nice Christian.

A lot of people do not realise that:

a) over 90% of sociopaths, predators and psychopaths do not necessarily look like Charles Manson; they look just like normal people, like Bill Cobsy or Ted Bundy

b) sociopaths and psychopaths are VERY charming especially to those outside of the home so that they can fly under the radar and maintain their false mask to the outside world, reserving their abuse for their wives, partners, and children

c) the sociopath or psychopath’s family, wife and children would have been enduring little acts of abuse for years before he flipped out, but they couldn’t leave due to being ashamed, being manipulated to stay or out of fear.

Some people in prominent fields even suggest that these predators (narcissists, sociopaths, and psychopaths), due to their abusive nature and complete lack of empathy, may not be human or may be possessed by a demonic force.

I am inclined to agree, because even well-known Catholic exorcist and FSSP priest, Fr Ripperger did acknowledge that these people ARE under demonic control.  This is a very holy and highly educated priest that holds SIX DEGREES and he recommends not getting involved with these people, and certainly NOT marrying them!!

For more, READ THIS!!

So stay safe, dear sisters, and be very careful.

Not all that glitters is gold.  Focus on being CHOOSY, not on being chosen.  Trust and wait on the Lord and He will bring your Joseph to you, a strong, virtuous, traditional, honourable, masculine and holy man.

 

 

PS – 

I shared this article on the Catholic Answers Forum and in response, the forum admin decided to pull and delete it.   I was SHOCKED that a site like that would delete something that contains helpful information for Catholic women and it made me a little wary of the administrators of the forum

Thankfully, my faith in humanity was restored because REGINA MAGAZINE  shared the article on their Facebook page.  …… a few other Catholic organizations did so, as well.

It was good to know that at least, some Catholic organizations are still looking after the bests interests of the vulnerable female members of the Church.  Be sure to join and follow Regina Magazine on their social media profiles.

 

MORE RESOURCES:

From the attention that this particular topic has garnered, it is clear to see that this is a pervasive issue, not just within the Church, but in society at large.

In addition, predators and abusers come in both unsavoury flavours of male and female.

For those that have been badly affected by these destructive and dangerous individuals, here are resources that go further into the topic matter, and also provide advice and guidance on the healing process.

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UPDATED – HERE ARE THE VIEWS ON JUST 12 HOURS AFTER PUBLISHING THIS POST.

Like I said, it is an epidemic and there are lots of people, particularly women, affected by predatory toxic people.

I actually had someone message me to tell me that the problem can be resolved by open honest communication.  Yes, if you are dealing with a normal individual.

Toxic, predatory, manipulative, sociopathic and psychopathic individuals ARE NOT NORMAL. They do not do open honest communication. THEY HAVE NO EMPATHY.

You just cannot reason with a predator because they do not want to be reasoned with!  They will simply lie, manipulate, spin things around on you and take no responsibility for their actions.

Toxic and dangerous people do not respond to kindness and compassion; they respond to strict boundaries and consequences for their behaviour.

Another woman told me the issue should be dealt with by being nice. That sort of destructive conditioning is the reason why graveyards and domestic abuse shelters are full of women who are told to be Christian-ly, nice and humble when dealing with toxic people.

It can be hard for us to fathom, but there are actually people out there with NO EMPATHY and who do not function like the rest of us.

A person with no empathy is a VERY DANGEROUS individual because there is no limit to what they can and will do, and a lot of them will fly under the radar – being openly nice and charming to outsiders, but cruel, abusive and destructive to their partners, children and family.  There is no limit to what they are capableof doing and this can even extend to murder.

Engaging with these people in the believe that kindness, charity and compassion will help is fairytale-thinking, and just as naive and dangerous as entering a lion’s den, hoping it would not eat you.

It is a sin to tempt God. THOU SHALT NOT TEMPT THE LORD, THY GOD!

Dear sisters, you are NO OBLIGATION WHATSOEVER to be nice to a dangerous individual or a person that displays a significant amount of the traits listed above.

You have EVERY RIGHT to terminate the relationship and go complete NO CONTACT.

Your life could well depend on it.

Not everyone sent to you is of God.  The devil sends people to you too.

 

 

ad Jesum per Mariam

🌹🙏🌹