The dating world is fraught with perils and if you are serious about dating, it can be hard to sort out the gold from the fool’s gold.
A lot of sincere genuine people use online dating websites and apps to try and find a relationship, but there are also a lot of insincere people on these platforms who are definitely not looking for a sincere relationship.
Some are simply filled with hatred towards women (or men) and are so sadistic that they enjoy frustrating sincere daters, manipulating them, and leading them on.
Breadcrumbing is one of the ways that they do this.
In essence, breadcrumbing is when someone initially shows interest in you, lavishing you with their time and attention, and then slowly starts to withdraw that time and attention.
They are feeding you breadcrumbs in order to keep you in that relationship.
But breadcrumbs don’t keep you fed; they keep you starving.
A healthy relationship starts slowly and then builds up in pace over time.
If a relationship or connection starts and then falters, and then starts again and slowly starts to decline, you are in a relationship with a toxic, manipulative person and you are being emotionally abused.
Some people are not very good at conveying disinterest, so instead, they start to withdraw slowly. Others breadcrumb to keep you hanging on
A lot of toxic and manipulative men will use breadcrumbing to try and force you into chasing after them.
They perfectly understand that it is the man that should do the pursuing, but they enjoy getting you to DEVALUE YOURSELF & YOUR FEMININITY by forcing you into a man’s role of chasing and pursuing.
Emasculation is when a woman strips a man of his masculinity and his male pride.
The opposite occurs when a man strips a woman of her femininity and self-worth and once he reduces you into being a man like him, then he feels entitled to treat you any way, without any kindness, tenderness or consideration.
And a lot of these men use breadcrumbing to do this.
Other men use breadcrumbing as a way to keep you on a shelf, in their harem of women, while they are off in search of someone that they consider to be better, and then they will only return to pick up when they have exhausted all other options.
You should find this incredibly insulting.
You should never be someone’s Plan B – it is degrading, it will make them feel entitled to maltreat and abuse you, and when they find the next shiny new toy, you will be discarded in a heartbeat!
You should never ever EVER chase a man.
Until he marries you, he should be the one to initiate most things in the relationship, and during the early courtship phase, he should be initiating everything, calls, texts, dates and so on.
I know I say that you should be dating several other people during the early stages of a relationship, the Friendship Stage, until the relationship and exclusivity is established. See all the stages HERE.
But that is not what is going on with breadcrumbing.
If a person is newly dating, are in the Friendship stage and are still considering other options, they start all the relationships at a slow pace, spending EQUAL AMOUNT of time and attention on all the options they are considering, before they decide on who they want to be exclusive.
They don’t spend 10 hours a week on one person, the next week only spend 2 hours a week, while they spend 10 hours a week on a new person.
This person lacks focus and will continue to do this indefinitely.
Also, if the gentleman has not asked for exclusivity after 3 months (3 months from the 1st phone call or the 1st date), then you need to end the relationship.
SO WHAT DOES BREADCRUMBING LOOKS LIKE
This is when you first connect with them online or offline and here is a TCF reader’s experience to illustrate pre-relationship breadcrumbing.
Let’s call her Jane.
Jane met a guy through online dating.
They exchanged chat messages and he got her number.
She tells me that their 1st call lasted for 5 hours!!
First of all – MASSIVE RED FLAG – until you have physically had a date with the person, we do not spend more than 10 minutes on the phone with a prospective suitor.
The message we send out when we do this is that we do not value ourselves or our time and will allow a stranger to use up all our time.
It also says you have no friends or family, or no life and activities, or that you are desperate.
In addition, this is a love-bombing tactic.
Love-bombing is when a manipulator lavishes you with a lot of over-the-top time, affection or attention in the early stages of the relationship.
They do this in order to get you hooked on them and when they realise that you are now emotionally attached to them, they start to devalue and abuse you.
If a guy is keeping you on the phone longer than 10 minutes, and you are not in the exclusive stage of a relationship, get off quickly by saying “I have to go now. I have a pie in the oven that I don’t want to burn”
This says that you value your time and also you are a good cook – nice!!
Or you can say “Must dash. My mom/dad/sibling/friend etc is calling me in a minute”. Again this says that you have your time and you have an active life.
The man is not one of your girlfriends where you sit and have a chat for several hours. At this stage, you are trying to get him to ask you on a date and scarcity breeds interest and intrigue.
Back to Jane.
So their first call is 5 hours and there are obviously lots of texts during the week.
So far, he has not asked her for a date, but she is giving him so much attention that, of course, there is no impetus for him to do so.
The 2nd phone call the following week was 3.5 hours.
Still a red flag!!
After that 2nd phone call, the texts started getting less in frequency.
Perhaps he was now expecting her to chase after him – ie sending him lots of texts and calling him – but Jane has been reading my tips on femininity and courtship and she did not do so.
She simply waited for him to initiate a text and then she would respond.
3rd week, no phone call. He had an excuse.
Texts are getting even less frequent.
At the same time, he is watching her online presence on the dating app – as long as the manipulator can see that you are still on the dating website, they think “Ah. I’ve got her where I want her – waiting for me. She is still online and hasn’t found a date because no one wants her”
So I told her to block him from the dating app and remove him from her inbox.
She did so.
Within hours, when he saw she had ‘disappeared’, he panicked and texted her, again giving an excuse for not calling.
This was when she realised he was stringing her along and she finally blocked him from calling or texting her on her phone.
By her acting quickly, he was only ended up wasting two weeks of her time, instead of wasting 2 months or even 2 years.
Once you have exchanged numbers from the dating website, you should block them or remove them from your dating profile, so they do not get to see anymore if you are still online and have the perception of “She is still on the site. Nobody wants to date her, so I will take my time and put her on a shelf”
If they ask why, just say “Oh my inbox gets filled a lot and I can’t always read all the messages, so I remove messages of people whom I have given my number to.”
By taking him off your profile so he is no longer able to see if you are online, so he will get intrigued, start wondering if you are still on the website or if you have met someone, and he will have the impetus to arrange a physical date with you if he does not want to lose you.
Feminine energy is mysterious; it is not being available all the time.
And remember scarcity fuels intrigue and interest.
If a guy is already breadcrumbing you and you are only in the chatting or phone stage, please just block him.
This is a low-value man revealing his abusive and manipulative side very early on.
It will never get better.
DURING THE RELATIONSHIP PHASE
During the relationship phase, breadcrumbing can look like this:
The 1st week, you have 2 or 3 dates in that week.
This might continue in the 2nd and 3rd week too.
Then after exclusivity, it starts to decline.
Now you only have 1 date a week or every other week.
Or he gets you a really impressive lavish gift in the first few weeks or months, then it starts to decline. Sometimes, he doesn’t even get you a gift at all.
You are being breadcrumbed.
This is particularly insulting because it means he is already cheating and dating others.
Again, when maniplators and predators feel they have you locked you, they start to disrespect, mistreat and abuse you.
Like I said, healthy relationships progress steadily over time; they do not revert or start to decline in pace.
A relationship does not have to start with 3 dates a week. Only manipulative people do this to flood you with love-bombing.
A normal and healthy relationship starts with one date a week, perhaps every 2 weeks. Then after exclusivity, it might be 2 dates a week.
Three dates a week starts after the engagement.
As you can see, this is natural progression
Now, what to do when you are already in a relationship and he starts breadcrumbing you?
You start being busy. “Sorry I have plans, I can’t see you this week.”
Do not reply to his texts or calls immediately. Wait hours or a day before you respond.
Continue to increase the intervals between dates and calls, till you get to the point where you then say “I am sorry, but I don’t think this relationship is working for me. It’s over and I wish you luck”
When dealing with a manipulator, and you are already in a relationship with them, you do not want to be accusing him by saying things like “you are breadcrumbing me. i think you are cheating…..blah blah blah”
All they will do is gaslight you and feed you more lies to keep you in their sick game.
And chances are they can get enraged that you are escaping their control and can get dangerous really quick.
You do not want something like THIS to happen to you.
Ease out of it. Don’t let them around your friends or family anymore.
Make the breakup about you: “I am sorry, but I do not think I want a relationship right now” or ” I just don’t have the time for a relationship right now; I am busy with work. school, family etc”
Breadcrumbing is how predators, narcissists and manipulators keep you stuck in a relationship that is going nowhere while they waste your time and simultaneously degrade you.
The problem is that when you allow yourself to be breadcrumbed, the other person loses all respect for you and feels entitled and then justified to abuse and maltreat you: “No sane woman will put up with this. She is putting up with it, so something must be wrong with her”
Preserve your dignity and femininity, and do not let toxic men use tactics like these to mistreat you and make you doubt your value as the beautiful feminine and worthy daughter of God that you are.
Plus, while you are still entertaining these users and abusers, you are preventing yourself from meeting and connecting with honourable men who will value and cherish you.
Our Lady, Seat of Wisdom Model of Femininity, pray for us.
ad Jesum per Mariam