We’ve all seen the familiar trope: bad boy meets good girl, and her love & virtues changes him into being good. Even films like Beauty & The Beast reinforces this nonsense.
Not only is this trope grossly misleading, it is also incredibly dangerous. Believing in this trope is living in La-La Land because in reality, things never work out like that!
The Beast/Monster/Toxic person will not only chew up Beauty’s face, but will also grind her down, and strip her of any virtues or beauty she possesses.
If you think that your love, kindness, good looks or virtues will change a toxic or narcissistic person, you will be dead wrong!
When a normal person dates or has a friendship with a person of higher value/virtues or looks, they feel incredibly lucky to have found such a catch that chose them, and they will treat that person as a princess or prince. They know the value of what they have.
Not so with a toxic person or narcissistic person. They value nothing and if they date a person of better looks really higher value/virtue than them, they don’t appreciate that such a catch chose them.
Sure they may gush over the person initially – this is the lovebombing – but over time, they start to slowly grind the person down, stripping them of their of self esteem, and criticising the very virtues that the person has.
“Ugh. Your outfit is ugly. Dress more sexy” – to strip away the virtue of modesty.
“No need to go to the gym or exercise. You are fine. “ – to strip away the person’s good looks & fitness
“Ugh. You pray too much” or “just skip mass for once” etc – in order to strip away the person’s virtues.
“Who are dressing nice for. Are you cheating on me?” – to shame the person into not taking care of themselves.
When a toxic or narcissistic person gets involved with someone of better looks or higher value/virtues than them, they don’t feel lucky to have such a catch who chose them.
Instead, they feel rage and they think something must be wrong with YOU for choosing them because deep down, they know that they are not good people.
So they seek to punish YOU for daring to love them by treating you badly, slowly wearing you down and stripping you of all of your wonderful qualities, making sure that you become as toxic/broken as they are, and that by the time they are done with you, you’ll be no good for anyone else.
“The enemy comes only to steal, kill and destroy.”
These people do not live in the same reality as they rest of us. They see bad as good and good as bad. And there’s nothing any of one of us can do to change that.
The only thing you can do sever contact and then pray for them, but from afar and from behind a closed door that you nail shut!!
Our Lady of Mental Peace, pray for us.
4 thoughts on “Your Virtues Won’t Change A Toxic Person”
This is spot on. My husband has narcissistic personality disorder, and I kid you not, on our DisneyPlus profiles he picked “The Beast” for his profile and “Belle (Beauty)” for mine. Red flag there. Yesterday my oldest daughter cried saying, “I’m afraid to grow up and pick a husband like Daddy. But then I think, maybe I’ll have those instincts, and I’ll be like that. Or [younger sister] will grow up to be like that.” I can’t let that happen with my beautiful children. I’ve filed for divorce. I have the kids in therapy and trying to teach them to love in a healthy way. My husband and I both come from abusive families (his father, my grandfather). I’m praying via Fr. Ripperger’s app every day so these generational spirits depart from me and my kids and the Queen of Saints and the Angels intercede for us.
I am so glad that you did right thing and have arranged therapy for both yourself and your kids. The damage narcissistic people do to their families and their kids is often far reaching into adulthood. But your kids will eventually be very grateful to you for protecting them and keeping them safe. That, after all, is our primary duty as parents
I am not ignorant
I’d like to find a community of Catholics healing from narcissistic abuse. I would love to find support from people who understand the complexities of discerning sacramental faithfulness versus letting go of trauma bonding.