Although it can be hard to believe, with the current saturation of toxic, abusive predators or sociopaths within today’s society, I promise you that virtuous, traditional Catholic men who will love, protect, cherish and provide for their wives and families DO EXIST!

Just like a virtuous woman is hard to find, a virtuous man can also be a rarity today, and the thought that your beloved daughter or son will grow up and get involved with one of the many, many toxic, sociopathic, predator or abusive individuals out there can be enough to turn any parent’s hair prematurely grey!

As parents, we are entrusted with the primary and important role of bringing up, providing for and protecting our children – especially the protecting part!

While the church or family circle can be a safe, nurturing haven for our children when they are young, once they grow up and fly the nest, either off to college/university or to launch their careers, they are in essence out of our hands and we cannot control the sort of people they choose to be attracted to, to be friends with or to have as future spouses.
In fact, children can be at risk of controlling or abusive behaviour from their own peers, starting from puberty. There are several cases of young teenagers being coerced and abused by controlling male teens like themselves, and they do not realise it is abuse, and some end up losing their lives at the hands of these teenage boys.

One of the main things is to educate them on the Red Flags of abusive, predatory, sociopathic and psychopathic people , and in particular, what constitutes coercive controlling behaviour, posessiveness and unreasonable jealousy from their male or femake friends.

There are also other steps you should take to protect your children, ESPECIALLY while they are still young.

Here are my top tips to prevent your child, son or daughter, from getting involved with a sociopath, abuser, predatory, controlling, grooming or toxic individual. These tips can be utilised, whether your child is 12, 20 or beyond.

PRAY FOR THEM

I am sure that you pray daily for the well-being and protection of your child, but I also highly recommend that you:

Pray to the Blessed Virgin to keep your children safe and wrap them in her arms when you can’t.
Pray for them that they have wisdom and discernment in their friendships.
Pray that God will provide virtuous spouses for your children that will love and cherish them, make their marriages a heaven on earth and help them get to Heaven.
Pray, more importantly, for their vocations as you never know what plans and paths that God has in store for them.

KEEP AN EYE OUT

Your children have been given to you by God; their well-being is entrusted to your care, so you are responsible both for their upbringing and for keeping them safe!

Realise that when it comes to your children in the care and company of other individuals, trust is earned.
Paedophiles and predators are EVERYWHERE, even within the extended family and the church. Do not be so quick to trust anyone simply because they claim to be Catholic or because they are a family member.

Over 85% of children that were abused were abused by somebody that they know, so be on alert and keep communication lines open between you and your child so that they are comfortable enough with you to confide in you if someone in a position of trust or authority is being inappropriate towards them.

Discourage exclusive dating until age 18 and even then, arrange to have discrete chaperone with them on their dates. By age 21, they can exclusively date as this is when they can now court properly in preparation for marriage.
Below the age 18, any contact with the opposite sex should be in group settings, with other teens/children and preferably with an adult present.

Absolutely no sleepovers until age 17. There are far too many stories of children getting molested by family members or parents of their friends while on sleepovers. The younger the child, the more vulnerable they are.
For my daughter, I will only permit a sleepover if a) the other children are all females and b) there is no male in the house during the sleepover.

Keep an eye out and watch for inappropriate language from older males in the family or circle of your adult friends, and nip it in the bud by removing that person from your life.

PARENT THEM

While it may seem cool and hip to be your child’s ‘friend’, you are NOT their friend and being overly permissive is both irresponsible and dangerous.

The key is to parent them in a manner that they are comfortable enough to approach you when dealing with awkward issues, but also respectful enough to recognise that you are the parent and that your advice, rules or discipline is to be respected and adhered to.

RAISE YOUR CHILDREN IN THE FAITH

Teach your children to have a strong devotion to Our Lady, encourage them to frequent the sacraments and to participate in activities and events of the faith.

It is not enough to just feed, educate, clothe and put a secure roof over their heads, you also need to feed their souls, and their spirits, and nurture their spiritual lives every bit as much as you nurture their physical bodies.

TEACH THEM ABOUT BOUNDARIES

They should learn about physical and emotional boundaries, about Stranger Danger, about certain parts of their body that others should not be touching, and that a safe adult will never tell them to keep secrets, even if the adult is a family member.

DETOX THEIR ENVIRONMENT

You will not feed your children toxic, poisonous food, so why allow them to keep company with other children or families who are toxic, ungodly or unwholesome?

Gently steer them away from individuals or other children who are toxic influences and guide them towards wholesome, holy families.

Vet the parents and families of their friends. Arrange to meet them. Google them and conduct a search on them. If anything untoward turns up, find a way to end the child’s friendship with that friend. Don’t worry about seeming judgmental or upsetting your child – it is your job to parent and PROTECT them, whether they like it or not.

We are a product of our genes, our nurturing and also our environment. If you raise a child within an environment where all they see are unhealthy behaviour patterns, they will most likely grow to mirror and accept unhealthy, toxic behaviour from others. We become like the 5 people we spend the most time with, so choose carefully!

MONITOR THEM

If they have mobile phones, install family tracking systems on the phones of all family members. Also, have child locks and monitoring or safety controls on internet or app use. Predators often target and groom children using the popular apps and websites that children use, so ensure that you regularly check in on what messages they are exchanging online. Yes, yes, the teenagers will whine about privacy, but a) you are the parent and they live under your roof – that automatically excludes them from privacy b) privacy can be earned through trust, but only for teenagers age 16 and above.
Until then, monitor them and have password access to their apps, internet, and devices to protect them from online grooming.

SELF DEFENSE CLASSES

Enroll your children, boys or girls, from a young age in some form of self-defense or martial arts activity.

Sure, our tiny tots can go to ballet or rugby practice one day of the week, but they can go to a child-friendly self-defense or martial arts class the next.
Not only will this boost their self-confidence in dealing with people in general, but it will also provide them with basic skills that can help them in the event of being abducted or attacked.
The best age to start these classes would be when they start school.

BE AN EXAMPLE

Although I left this till last so that I can expound properly on this issue, this is actually the second most important tip.

Children are highly impressionable, especially in the earlier years when their personalities are still being moulded.

Children live by example…..YOUR example! As a mother, you should model to your daughter what a virtuous, wholesome, feminine, traditional woman is and this will include not enabling toxic or abusive behaviour from anyone, even her father. When she grows up, she will be a dignified young woman with a healthy amount of self-esteem, but still tender, nurturing, virtuous, respectful, and feminine.

As a father, you should model to your son what a virtuous, masculine, traditional man is so that when he grows up, he would respect women, value honour, tradition, hard work as well as the ability to protect and provide for his own family. Furthermore, you should treat your daughter exactly how you would want a potential partner to treat her and model for her, with your wife, what a loving secure relationship looks like.
The more you are able to do this in the pre-teen and teen years, the less likely she will be to get into an entanglement with a toxic or dangerous person.

Research has shown that over 90% of children who grow up within toxic family environments where abuse, and toxic, inappropriate behaviour is commonplace often grow up to be either abusers themselves or victims of abuse. A girl who sees her father display toxic traits of abuse, infidelity, addictions etc towards her mother has a much higher risk of marrying a guy with unhealthy patterns, who is unfaithful, controlling and abusive towards her……and vice versa for a little boy.

For those in abusive marriages or with toxic, abusive partners, you truly have my deepest condolences. It can be very hard to deal with and much harder to know that your children are at risk of growing up to repeat the same abusive circle.

In my opinion, raising children within a toxic, abusive marriage does FAR MORE DAMAGE to them than divorce. Now, I am not advocating divorce, but I highly suggest praying even more so for your marriage and speaking to a traditional priest (FSSP) for advice and counselling on your marriage. It would be far better, especially if your children are below 18, to live separately from your toxic or abusive spouse, even if you do not want to have a divorce. This will do much to mitigate the risk of your children being in abusive or murderous relationships.

Meanwhile, surround your children with very healthy role models – be a role model yourself and befriend lots of other families that are holy, healthy and wholesome, and encourage your child to spend as much time as possible with these families and their children. Protecting the overall physical, emotional and psychological well-being of the children that God entrusted into your care is VERY IMPORTANT!
He gave you these souls to nourish, protect and raise and you will report to Him on this responsibility when you stand before Him at the end of your life.

MORE RESOURCES