For many Catholics who are dating or courting, the rules on what is acceptable or not seem very unclear.
Due to an increase in liberalism within the Church, more and more people are pushing boundaries for what is acceptable in relationships, and as a result, are falling into serious sins.
I received the Facebook message below from one of our TradCatFem sisters following me on Facebook and it inspired me to write this blog post on the perils of passionate kissing for the unmarried within the Church.
In the Bible, Philippians 4:5 says: “Let your modesty be known to all men”
What is this modesty?
FSSP priest, Fr. Wolfe says: “Modesty is a virtue that gives a man the ability to be moderate in all things, in actions and in dress, and to govern and dominate his passions and especially his desires for pleasure.”
There is a relationship between modesty and purity, and when modesty is breached, there is an open pathway for impurity.
Due to concupiscence, we have an innate desire for pleasure and in addition, we also have natural passions that are inclined towards a biological desire to procreate.
Having the virtue of modesty helps to moderate our external acts, deportment, and dress so that they do not scandalize anyone.
Being scandalized, in Church terms, refers to being tempted into sin by the actions of another.
Actions which endanger the spiritual life of another are acts of scandal and are forbidden because love for our neighbor demands that we do not induce others into sin.
Sisters, our appearance, clothing and deportment should not be a source of temptation to sin.
We are responsible for the souls of our neighbour, including our brothers in Christ and moreso, the man who may be dating or courting us.
Sometimes, you may be very attracted to or interested in a guy, but if he is leading you into sin and/or displaying a significant amount of THESE RED FLAGS, then you should end the relationship because he does not care for your well-being….only for satisfying the desires of his flesh.
Remember, a man who would sin with you before marriage will sin against you after marriage.
According to Pope Alexander VII, it is condemned to say that it is only a venial sin to kiss for the pleasure arising from the kiss, even if there is no danger of it going further.
This means that when you take delight in carnal pleasure (including kisses and touches), you are committing a mortal sin.
For the unmarried, passionate kissing is mortally sinful because the unmarried do not have the right to those passions and they do not have the right to stir up those passions in themselves or in anyone else, whether by thought, word or deed. Those passions, those pleasures, those delights are reserved strictly for the married….not for anyone else – Fr Wolfe
The only kind of the kiss that the unmarried can engage in is a little chaste peck on the cheek. More on the permitted kisses for courting couples HERE
Your vocation is supposed to help you get to Heaven, not drag you down to Hell.
Passionate kissing between the unmarried is a mortal sin that can open the door to impurity, leading to more serious sexual sins, as the unfortunate engaged couple above experienced.
In more traditional times/parishes, the engagement would be called off and the couple will not be permitted to marry.
So now, this couple who fell into sin had to get married because the woman got pregnant. You may think that this is a positive ending to their unfortunate story, but is it……is it really?
Who is not to say that months or years down the line, the man who was unable to moderate his desires before marriage, will not commit other sins such as indulging in porn or adultery?
The woman may later begin to doubt that he truly loves her and may start to wonder: if they did not get pregnant, would he still have married her? Perhaps he only married her because he had no choice due to the scandal created.
The man himself may begin to doubt his own affections and start wondering perhaps she got pregnant on purpose to trap him…..perhaps they were not meant to marry, but his desires clouded his judgment and he had no choice due to her getting pregnant.
How can they now trust each other to be faithful after marriage when they were unfaithful before marriage?
A lot of doubt, mistrust, suspicion, and resentment will now begin to grow between the couple, resulting in a very unhappy marriage.
As a general rule, passionate kissing is to be avoided when dating or courting.
If you allow your desires to be stirred up, you will get so emotionally caught up in the guy that you will not see any red flags that he is dangerous, lacking in virtue or completely unsuitable for you.
The courtship process is a period of you discerning and auditioning him to ensure he has enough virtue, and is worthy of being your husband and father to your children, and also a period to know whether or not he is capable of moderating his desires.
Your relationship should not be sending you to the confessional.
A man that truly desires and loves you will make sacrifices, even controlling his sexual urges toward you, in order to make you his wife.
A man who is selfish and only cares about using you to fulfill his sexual urges will tempt you and lead you into sin and if you do decide to marry him, guess what – he will cheat on you during your marriage.
Building healthy, happy, holy families and marriages require healthy, happy and holy foundations.
Remember, a house that is built on a shaky foundation is a house that will struggle to stand.
The resources below can be very helpful if you are in a relationship or courting.
ad Jesum per Mariam