In order to understand why men pull away and don’t commit, let’s talk about SEX…..and more specifically, oxytocin.
The way our bodies, including our biochemical functions, have been designed by God is truly amazing.
Everything about us, our genders, as well as our physiological and biochemical processes, function for a precise reason.
Centuries of civilisation and modern living has had no effect on the very basic functions of the human body.
Just as the human gestation period in utero was approximately 9 months centuries ago, it is the same even today.
An understanding of our bodies will not only help us understand how and why we function the way that we do, but it will also perfectly illustrate God’s plan and His design for gender, sex and marriage.
Premarital sex is a major contributing factor to making poor relationship choices, poor choice of spouse, porn addictions, divorce, family breakdown and the disintegration of societies.
Whoa, Paige!! In what way is the collapse of civilisation connected to a little innocent hanky-panky between a dating couple who love each other?
I’ll explain. Oxytocin.
Oxytocin is commonly known as the hormone that is produced by a woman shortly after childbirth, which encourages bonding with her infant.
However, oxytocin also plays a role in social bonding and in sexual reproduction.
When a woman has sex with a guy, even if she is simply attracted to him, but not yet in love with him, she produces oxytocin.
This makes her bond even more closely to him afterwards.
He could be a terrible guy, with a ton of red flags, who is completely wrong for her and incompatible with her, but she will not see it and more importantly, she will not feel it.
Oxytocin will make her bond very rapidly with him, making her believe that he truly is the love of her life.
This is why women become more clingy, needy or attached to their mate after having sex.
The problem here though is that when you have sex too soon into the relationship or before true love and commitment is established, you are at high risk of making a terrible choice because oxytocin is making everything seem rosy. You believe that you are in love and this man is the love of your life, but this is sadly not true.
Predatory men, sociopaths and narcissists are very aware that after sex, the woman bonds more closely to the man. This is why they love-bomb you, pushing for sex and intimacy very quickly. This is not because they love or even desire you, but because they want you to be bonded and hooked on them, so when they start pulling away, being manipulative and abusive, you will justify, defend and explain away their behaviour.
As you have had sex with them and bonded to them, it makes pulling away extremely difficult, leaving you trapped with a dangerous, destructive and manipulative individual.
This is how predators and other toxic, dangerous or manipulative men use your own feelings against you
Putting the brakes on and holding back on the sex not only protects you from people like these, but can literally save your life!
How about men?
Well. Men do produce oxytocin as well during sex, but ONLY if they are in love.
This is why a man can have sex with a woman and feel absolutely nothing for her afterwards.
In a vast majority of cases, what the man is feeling after he has had sex with someone he is not in love with, committed or married to, is regret. You read that right – REGRET!
In fact, you can even almost literally see it on his face or feel it in his body language.
His averted eyes, the awkward small talk, his body language pulls away, he seems overwhelming polite, he seems preoccupied and distracted.
You get a sense that he almost cannot wait for you to leave and you are right – he can’t.
He regrets the sexual experience and this has nothing to do with you.
He regrets it because he feels nothing for you and he feels nothing for you because he is not committed to you, and he is not committed to you because……..he does not love you.
You see, sex will never make any man fall deeper or quicker in love with you.
It does not matter what you do, what you look like, how many times you have sex with him, if he is not in love with you, he just will not bond to you, and if he is not bonding to you, he will feel no responsibility towards you and therefore will be unwilling to make a commitment to you.
In essence, ladies, when you have sex with a guy BEFORE he falls in love with you, you drastically reduce the chance of him ever committing to you.
Too many women believe that they need to have sex with a guy in order to keep him or to make him fall in love.
This is simply not true.
Women fall in love AFTER sex; men fall in love BEFORE sex.
Which is why you should only ever have sex with a guy after he falls in love with you.
So. How would you know that a man is in love with you?
It’s pretty simple, actually. He commits to you.
He makes a proper commitment ie he proposes; he makes you his wife.
This is the only sure-fire, GUARANTEED way to know that a guy is truly in love with you.
In addition, when a guy has sex AFTER falling in love with a woman, not only does he produce oxytocin, but he bonds deeper, faster and more permanently with the woman.
For this reason, it is incredibly selfish to have a child outside of wedlock, as if the father is not in love with the mother, ie he has not bonded and committed to her by way of marriage, then by extension, it would be extremely hard for him to bond or commit fully to the child too.
God designed man to bond with woman AFTER sex, if he is in love with her, so that should the woman get pregnant, the man automatically bonds with the baby.
Statistically, parents of children conceived within the marriage tend to remain together much longer than parents of children who were conceived outside of marriage.
Commitment and marriage provide stability and protection for the man, for the woman, and for the offspring.
The high rates of divorce and broken families that we see today is as a result of people doing things backwards.
By holding back, you not only show value for yourself and prevent a ton of heartache and wasted time, but you get to know for sure whether he truly loves you.
The last thing you want is to engage in a sexual relationship with a guy, whose interest starts waning very rapidly afterwards. Or you get pregnant and he then decides that he does not want to marry or commit to you.
While it can be all too easy to label men like these jerks and heartbreakers, we must also remember that most of the time, they are simply acting out on natural biological processes that they have no control over.
A guy that is in love with you will not care that you wish to wait and are withholding sex from him
He would still want to marry and commit quickly to you.
You need to learn the difference between a man’s lust and sexual desire for you, and his love, which combines his desire and love, but also with a deep instinct to provide, protect and commit to you.
Him desperately wanting to have sex with you is not a sign of love, respect or desire.
It can actually be a sign of disrespect and him seeing you as a low-value person, because a man that values you will not want to lose you.
How then does one get a man to fall in love?
Time and Anticipation.
Spend time getting to know each other.
Engage in date activities where you can interact with each other within social settings, getting to know and learn about each other, without the risk of physically intimate.
This is what builds anticipation and deepens connection, attraction and desire, and this is also what makes him fall in love with you quicker while increasing his respect for you.
Like I mentioned before, Netflix and Chill is NOT a date.
Do joint activities together. Be fun, light-hearted, and breezy
By holding back, you not only quickly filter out anyone who is just out to use and dump you, but you also shorten the dating/courtship phase as when a man falls in love with you and he sees that you respect and value yourself to hold the sex back, he would not want to be courting for months on end.
He’ll want to seal the deal and make you his Mrs sooner rather than later.
This is why dating for extended periods of time is frowned upon. It does not take3 years or more for a guy to marry you. Read what a real traditional Catholic courtship, relationship and length should be HERE, HERE, HERE and HERE.
These guidelines are to protect you from being used and from wasting your years and youth on someone who is simply leading you on.
So, you only have yourself to blame for the inevitable painful fallout, if you are dating a guy for extended periods of time and/or having premarital sex with him.
Ladies, you cannot control how other people behave, but you can control yourself and how you let others treat you.
You cannot blame men for treating you badly if you allow them to disrespect you and treat you badly.
God did not warn against premarital sex because He wants us miserable and deprived of sexual pleasure; but because He is our Father, who loves us and wants to protect us from heartache, shattered dreams, misery and painful choices.
If a man rejects you because you will not have sex with him, do not internalise it and feel like something is wrong with you. It has nothing to do with you and everything to do with him.
You should be thankful that he revealed his true feelings for you sooner rather than later, allowing you to exit the relationship quickly, with as much self-respect and dignity as possible.
He could have also been a predator or sociopath who is trying to use sex to keep you trapped. Simply thank God for helping you dodge a bullet and RUN, not walk, to the nearest exit.
In general, give up the sex early and not only would the man quickly lose interest, but he would have no incentive to remain or even commit.
Hold back the sex and one of two things would happen:
- A timewaster will exit your life quicker, giving you more time to find the One, or
- He falls in love with you, commits and you two get married sooner rather than later.
Either way, it’s a win-win situation.
Be cherished and loved, or be used and dumped. The choice is truly yours.
Maria, Sedes Sapientiae, ora pro nobis.
Mary, Seat of Wisdom, pray for us.
ad Jesum per Mariam