Dating someone who lives at home, who lives under their parents’ or family’s roof or within close distance to their family is a big NO-NO…..with some exceptions
In order to truly mature and become a responsible adult, a man MUST leave home.
Without doing so, he will never develop independence and responsibility, as he will always be reliant on his family, physically, mentally and emotional.
Only on his own can he learn to flourish and then be capable of leading his own family as a husband and father.
Independent living for men enables him to develop valuable traits such as duty, responsibility and leadership. It also forms his character in developing the Biblical traditional masculine traits of a high value husband and father: the ability to LEAD, to PROTECT and to PROVIDE.
This is why it is a BAD IDEA to date or even marry any man, like this 50 year old fella, who over the age 25 is still living with his parents or who lives so close to them that his mother or female relatives still does his laundry, makes his meals etc
A man cannot lead, protect or provide for you and your future children if he has not already learned to do so through independence and responsibility.
A man learns to be a man of virtue, honour, strength, and responsibility by leaving home and working to establish himself independently from his family.
The converse is true for women.
A woman learns to be a godly woman of virtue by remaining in the family home until she is married.
This was how it was done in the past and one of the reasons why marriages were more successful.
If I were still single, I wouldn’t date a dependent guy.
When I met my husband, he was definitely independent and had his own place.
It was not expensive or flashy. It was a rental property, but it was his.
He was paying his bills regularly, taking care of his car which he used for work, dealing with repairs around the home, managing his taxes and of course, holding down a job in order to meet his living expenses.
All these are essential life skills that an adult man needs before he can be considered fit for marriage and family.
A man who fails to do this and prefers to live at home out of comfort or because they “want to save money” is lying to you and to himself. He is an opportunistic user, taking advantage of his parents (he would do the same to you!), irrespojnsible and frankly he is a product of BAD PARENTING.
For men seeking to date or choose a wife, the converse is true.
Date or marry women who live at home.
But, Paige, what about the single women over 35 who do not live in their parents’ home? What then?
If I were a guy dating a woman over 28, I would only go for a woman who lives independently, but really close to her parents (ie on the same street) or who lives in a shared property with other women.
These two scenarios provide the “family” factor for the single woman and increases her value by adding to her respectability.
The only exceptions to this would be widows who are more likely to live independently in their marital home following the demise of their husbands and single mothers, who for obvious reasons, need to live in their own property.
To be honest, if you are a single, child-free woman over 28 years old who is unable to live with your parents or family, sharing a property with other single Catholic or Christian women will not only provide you a sisterhood, but also help you save money.
You are less likely to attract predatory men or users who just want to take advantage of you. Living with your family or the “sisterhood” means you are accountable to others who WILL be looking out for you and for your safety. This tends to deter a lot of predatory, dishonest or disingenious men.
This practise is common among other christian communities like the Mormons, 7th Day Adventists, Jehovah’s Witness and so on, in order to prevent scandal and foster chastity for the single women.
If these “Christian” denominations are capable, wny not us – the original Christian denomination?
You can even find likeminded single Christian women via local Christian groups or your parish church to house-share with.
Also, see HOW TO TELL IF HE IS MARRIAGE-MINDED
A TCF reader sent me this message
“Just to add to the blog post regarding women’s living situation, asides from cults like Jehovah’s Witnesses, Mormons and 7th Day Adventists, 1950s and even Victorian single working women also often lived together in boarding houses and some modern-day convents and retreat centres, especially in Europe, accept tenants. There’s definitely a Catholic precedent, no need to look into fringe group traditions.
Sometimes the single ladies staying at convents end up discerning their vocations, so that’s an added bonus. I know this might be a custom in some places in Europe, but it would be best to get a recommendation from a priest if you’re looking into t to increase your chances of getting in.
Depending on the country you are from and your income, rates may be high or low. Ex.
For a Canadian living in a convent in Poland, the rates are cheap, but for a Canadian living in a convent in the eurozone, rates are high.
You’d also need to find a job near the convent or retreat centre, so if there isn’t one in your city, that’s something to consider.”
And she does make really good points here!!
If you an adult man calling yourself a traditional Catholic man and you STILL live with your parents or family, you should be ashamed of yourself. GROW UP!!
As parents, it is our duty to raise and prepare our children for adulthood, and ensure they are fit functional adults that we can then hand off to their spouse who will continue our lineage.
Even the Bible says:
“For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother, and be joined to his wife; and they shall become one flesh” – GENESIS 2 : 24
Simply put, a man cannot have a wife until he has first left his father and his mother (independent living) and he cannot be one either with his wife unless he has first developed all skills mentioned above via independent living and responsibility.
Failure and heartache ensues when we try to put the cart before the horse.
Having your adult child at home is a public sign of BAD PARENTING. No woman wants to a spouse that she has to baby and raise because you failed in your job, so chances of your son bagging a virtuous woman will be minimal and if he does, he would eventually lose her or the relationship will be irretrievable broken.
A healthy relationship and marriage only occurs between two health ADULTS, not being an ADULT and a MAN-BABY.
By age 21-23, your adult son should leave the family home. Sure his new living circumstances will not be as plush or comfortable as the family home, but it is now his job to learn to stand on his own feet.
For your daughters, they can remain at home until age 28 – they are still expected to contribute to family chores, expenses and so on. If they remain unmarried after 28 years, kick them out – they should go find a houseshare.
Allowing your adult children to remain developmentally stunted may feel good to you because you get to baby them forever, but it damages them in the longterm as you render them unmarriageable and much more likely to grow old alone and die alone.
Is this REALLY what you want??!
Holy Family, model of marriage and family life, pray for us.
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My brother is 35 and lives at home. He owns half of the home and pays for half the mortgage. My mom would not be able to afford rent or a mortgage by herself. He repairs everything, he’s president of the building’s strata. He makes lots of money, he does it to help my mom, not the other way around. He buys all the groceries. He does his own laundry and his share of the chores. She does cook most of his meals though. I have said to both that we need to revise the current arrangement. That he needs to go his own way. But they won’t listen. My brother is too attached to ‘protecting’ my mom especially during the pandemic. I feel like I should just mind my own business but I feel bad for my brother who desperately wants a family but doesn’t see how his situation is sabotaging his efforts.
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It’s a tricky one. On the one hand, he does have his own home.
On the hand, his mother lives with him. Perhaps he can find her a separate accommodation?
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I’m really curious what your thoughts are in my situation. I agree with nearly everything you said, but I don’t know how to apply it with my current circumstance. I have begun dating a man who from 2017 to 2020 was living in a traditional religious community in Scotland to discern being a monk. As a result of entering the monastery and moving through the stages of aspirant, postulant and novice, he was obliged to give up/give away all his previous wealth and belongings. He returned the U.S. one year ago and moved in with his parents, he was 31 at the time. After about 4 or 5 months of mourning the loss of that vocation, he prayerfully discerned that God was directing him towards marriage and fatherhood and began working in his previous career field (construction management). He is a faithful, latin mass attending trad catholic and has in the past year helped his parents to reengage their faith in a meaningful way. Before we started to speak seriously he made it known (in a effort to be honest and allow me the chance to seek someone else) that his financial situation is very lacking because he had started from scratch after leaving the monastery and that this was the reason why he is staying with his parents. So that he is able to more rapidly save money with which to attract a wife and begin a family soon. Do you see this decision of his as one that should make me hesitate? Or does it seem prudent, so that he has more to offer his spouse? Thanks for your thoughts!
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Re your question – it is admirable that he is being so honest with you about his finances. That’s a good start.
He doesn’t need to save lots of money in order to marry and have a family.
He does need a stable job – no matter what it pays – and a way of having a roof over his head to house his proposed family. Again, this house doesn’t need to be lavish.
It’s about him learning to live independently, managing his finances, learning to pay bills and so on – these are important skills he would not have by living in a community or with his parents.
Just as he prepared himself to be a monk, he needs to prepare himself to be a husband and father. He can’t just jump from one state to the other.
When my husband and I first got married, we didn’t have the house we had now. We had to make do with studio flat – a one room apartment.
My husband was living independently when I met him
This man you mention can always rebuild his finances, but must start first with a stable job and his accommodation.
PS – it’s been a year. He should NOT be living with his parents. He needs to move out, get his own place (no matter how small or modest it is) and then consider courting.
Read my ariticle below on tips for low income men
https://tradcatfem.com/2017/07/31/courtship-and-marriage-tips-for-low-income-catholic-men/.
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I think you might have to factor in cultures outside of western ones. In many Asian and Latin American cultures, even among households that are Christian/Catholic, children of both genders will often live with their parents during the first years after their university education, and many until they get married or are forced to move because of job location or other circumstance, as it is considered wasteful or ungrateful to move away when you do not need to.
This does not mean they don’t mature. Often times they are expected to shoulder quite a bulk of the household upkeep on top of their own expenses, help their parents run businesses alongside their own jobs, maintain their own cars, etc.
I think equating independence and maturity with separating yourself physically from your family may be a more western ideal, which is not necessarily shared in other parts of the world. I’ve seen this tendency to stay with family until marriage a lot in Asia and South America, some parts of which are very Catholic, and among families who take their religion very seriously.
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While this is true for families in bygone eras, it isn’t in today’s world.
Back in the day, families did live communally together, but dowries were also paid and men often worked in the family business, which means they were more equipped to handle the responsibilities of work, finances and so on.
In addition, you keep changing your name (I can see your IP, you know!!)
but try to make excuses for modern men’s gross laziness and lack of responsibility.
You try to use western society and cultural reasons, but we are not to live our lives by cultural standards – biblical standards only.
And the Bible is very clear – for this cause shall a man LEAVE his father and mother and CLEAVE to his wife.
A man is not fit to cleave to anyone until he has first left!
Maybe you should try reading AGAIN my article, instead of trying to come up with transient cultural values to override timeless Scriptural truths!
Oh. And do grow up. Why are so you desperate to cling to your mommy’s apron strings??
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Have to disagree Paige
Here in the UK nearly half of adult children live with their parents for financial reasons i.e not being able to afford even to rent commercially. I put 1/3 of my take home pay each month towards a home, if I wasn’t living with my parents I couldn’t afford to do so. I think that the future wife would rather that I continue with my current arrangement until Marriage, rather than forking out a fortune for a grubby little room in a shared house.
I pay rent, do household chores, help at the local soup kitchen, I know Catholic women should have standards but they also need to be a little flexible when it comes to prudential matters.
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You are right. Women should be prudent by not choosing to date, court or even marry a guy who is clearly not ready or fit for such an important vocation.
The guy needs to go sort himself out first!!
He is NOT entitled to a wife. Women owe him NOTHING.
His priority should be putting a roof over his own head FIRST, before even attempting to bring a woman and future children into that scenario.
Oh and PS – i live in the UK. My husband was renting by himself when I met him and he is Italian!!
Most men have masculine pride and are willing to work hard to be self-sufficient; not wallow in their own selfishness, laziness and mediocrity
In addition, the valuable skills a man picks up from being in his parents’ house are next to null.
If religious communities require a period of preparation before becoming a monk, why would marriage be any different.
Don’t be addicted to ease, luxury and greed – that is effeminate.
Move out!! Get your own place, no matter how small.
A woman came to me whose partner was living with his parents. He had habits and mannerisms of his parents ie he had the mentality and behaviour of an old person, including diet and mannerisms. It is no wonder she dumped him.
To make things worse, he was treating her unconsciously like a 2nd mother cos that is what he was used to – his mother catering to him
You can’t be living as a child, under your parents, and expect any SANE woman to respect you as a man or even submit to you.
If you are not ready or fit to be independent from your parents and family, you are not ready or fit to court ANY WOMAN, or to get married or have children.
The Bible is very clear – a man must first LEAVE his father and mother before he can CLEAVE to a wife.
No amount of justification you come up with will change God’s Word
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