How To Stop Men Ghosting Or Breadcrumbing You

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I get so many emails from TCF readers, the majority of whom are Catholic, of course, but I also get emails from non-Catholics who enjoy my articles and posts on narcissism and standards/boundaries in dating.

From these emails, I am seeing that there seems to be a clear and distinct pattern of men ghosting or breadcrumbing women as soon as they have had sex or any form of physical intimacy with them.

And it is not just non-religious men who do this either.
A woman (religion unknown) wrote to me that she was dating a Jewish guy and she truly thought he was a decent person as he seemed to be fairly serious about his faith.  She made the mistake of letting him have sex with her on the 3rd date and he just stopped calling or texting her.  She waited an entire week and then sent him a fairly innocuous message, only for him to tell her that his life is just so busy and he is not looking for a relationship at the moment. What?!! So he only realised that after sleeping with her??
She met him on a proper dating website too – not Tinder or one of those hookup sites.

Her story reminds me of another lady who wrote this to me. After being pressured by the guy to kiss him on date 2 and getting attached to him, he too tried to discard her and even offered an FWB situationship to her.  It’s almost like they reveal their true character as soon as they have had some level of physical access to you. smh.
PS – she later wrote to me and told me that after having read the responses to her story, which she gave me permission to share, she has come to her senses, realising what he is and how he is manipulating her, and she dumped him.
Good for her!! I hope she does not make a similar mistake in the next connection.

Another woman, a Catholic, wrote to me and told me she was dating a guy, who is a traditional Catholic and she truly thought things were going well. Following weeks of immense pressure from him, she fell and slept with him, and guess what – he ghosted her too!
She said she was in shock as she did not expect a Catholic to be so dishonourable, especially as she met him on a very popular Catholic dating website/app.
Don’t assume that because someone goes to Church or is a traditional Catholic, this means they are respectful, virtuous, honourable or respectable.
The Church is a hospital for sinners and some people are either not responding to treatment or are refusing treatment.

It is frankly repugnant behaviour that while you are looking for a long-term relationship, all he wants is access to your physical body and once he gets what he wants, he throws you away and goes after the next woman.
Women have simply become commodities and interchangeable objects to these types of men, and if a woman goes through this process one or more times in the dating process, it can cause immense damage to her self-esteem, leaving her jaded, and making her more vulnerable to rushing into yet another connection, in order to get over the pain, only to go through the same thing again.

In the recent past, these men will not even have the gall to do this to a woman they are dating because they would be held to account by the church or the community, where they most likely met the woman, or by his family and friends, who would have met the woman.
Exposure truly does protect you from abuse and predators.  The more eyes there are on your relationship, the more people in his life are aware of you and your relationship status, and the less likely he will be to use you, abuse you, exploit you or breadcrumb and ghost you after having sex with you. He would be terrified of being reprimanded, of the shame and disapproval from his community and of being perceived as a cad, a liar and a sexual predator.

However, internet dating and its relative anonymity have led to an increase in utter selfishness and narcissistic exploitative behaviour from men.
Psychologically speaking, people behave better when they know that there would be consequences for bad behaviour and/or if their bad behaviour will be exposed to their community (church, friends, family etc) and thus their true character is revealed and their reputation tarnished.

So, how can you prevent a man from ghosting or breadcrumbing you after getting physical with you?

It is really simple – exposure and accountability.

As I get emails from both Catholic and non-Catholic women, I will share advice for both groups of people.

 

IF YOU ARE NOT A CATHOLIC 

You must hold off on heavy petting and sleeping with a guy until the following has been achieved:

  • He has introduced you to his friends – this can be on a dinner date or social setting
  • He has introduced you to his friends and THEIR partners (ie their wives or girlfriends) etc – again, this can be on a dinner date or social setting
  • You have met his family, especially his 1-2 siblings and his parents – this can be at a family event, a BBQ and so on.  The family needs to know that you exist!
  • You know or have met his work colleagues, AND you know where he works.  Try and get his workplace address and, if you can, casually show up to have lunch with him or bring him sandwiches.  His boss and other work colleagues need to know that you exist. While dating, ask him where he works and at some point later, call him when you know he is at work and casually mention that you are in the area and have some baked goods or sandwiches that you’d like to share with him, asking if you can come to his office/workplace.  If he gets defensive, angry, irritable or refuses, you have your answer – he does not want you getting close to him and his work colleagues knowing about you.
  • You know where he lives and have met or spoken to one or more of his closest neighbours.
  • And you have met and interacted with the above people at least on 3 different occasions over a 3 month period
  • You are both no longer on the dating site or app where you met him.

PS – when he pressures you or tries to push for more while kissing, just sigh gently and said something like this “I am very attracted to you and this is really nice, but I can only have sex when I am in an exclusive, monogamous relationship” and then you push him away. Wait until after the 3rd date to do this.

You’d be surprised how quickly this stance will filter out predators, liars, abusers, narcissists and manipulators; they will drop out of your life like flies.  Don’t feel discouraged or sad that they end the relationship or it does not go further – see it as confirmation and proof that this person never had good intentions for you.  Boundaries are kryptonite to predators and abusers.

Men are not stupid.  They are quite protective of their reputation and will not make a mess where they eat (their workplace) or where they sleep (their family or their local community).  He will be more likely to view and treat you with respect and honour if you already have access to and contact with his private life ie his family, friends, work colleagues and neighbourhood.

The 3rd date I had with my now-husband involved him taking me to his friend’s house.  The friend was having a BBQ with other friends.  He took me along and I got to meet a lot of his friends and their wives.

After date 5, I got to meet his work colleagues at an after-work drinks event and within a month, I met his family.  It is hardly surprising then that by the end of month 2, he was already serious about me and he proposed to me.

You know a guy is serious about you when he introduces you to his friends, work colleagues and family. And until he does so, you MUST assume that he is only interested in using you, in keeping you a dirty secret, and in exploiting you (sexually or otherwise) before throwing you away.

If you do decide to get physically intimate with him and he then throws you away or ghosts you, you cannot then go to his family, friends etc and try to let them know he was dating you. To them, you will be just a stranger, a random crazy woman who is stalking him, and they may get the police involved.

Until you have met his family, friends etc, you are not in a relationship, no matter what he says, you are simply some girl he met and you are without any form of protection.

A man who is unwilling to bring you into his world in this manner is ONLY OUT TO USE YOU!!
He is a liar and a predator, and you should feel both offended and disgusted that he has these dishonourable intentions for you! This should make you end the connection swiftly.

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IF YOU ARE A CATHOLIC 

As Catholic women, we are expected to have much higher standards/boundaries, and if a person knows that you are a Catholic and you lower your standards/boundaries around chastity for them, they will not love you or respect you more. In fact, they will think you are a fraud, a liar and a whore who probably does this with several other men.  You will be viewed with mistrust and suspicion.
So, regardless of how much pressure he may be putting on you – remember, a lot of men like to test women a lot – you must stand firm and never give in.

As such, you must reserve physical intimacy for marriage ONLY.
It does not matter whether you are a virgin or not.  You must continually insist that you are celibate until marriage. Even if in the past, you have fornicated before, you have gone to Confession and repented, and you are now celibate until marriage. Period!

As a Catholic, you ABSOLUTELY MUST hold off on heavy petting and sleeping with the guy until the following has been achieved:

  • He has introduced you to his friends – this can be on a dinner date or social setting
  • He has introduced you to his friends and THEIR partners (ie their wives or girlfriends) etc – again, this can be on a dinner date or social setting
  • You have met his family, especially his 1-2 siblings and his parents – this can be at a family event, a BBQ and so on.  The family needs to know that you exist!
  • You have attended morning Mass with him at his parish church – try to attend the morning Sunday Mass, the mass where there would be lots of families and their children around. Word will get around that there is a woman in his life and the priest will be aware of your existence.
  • You know or have met his work colleagues, AND you know where he works.  Try and get his workplace address and, if you can, casually show up to have lunch with him or bring him sandwiches.  His boss and other work colleagues need to know that you exist. While dating, ask him where he works and at some point later, call him when you know he is at work and casually mention that you are in the area and have some baked goods or sandwiches that you’d like to share with him, asking if you can come to his office/workplace.  If he gets defensive, angry, irritable or refuses, you have your answer – he does not want you getting close to him and his work colleagues knowing about you.
  • You know where he lives and have met or spoken to one or more of his closest neighbours.
  • And you have met and interacted with the above people at least on 3 different occasions over a 3 month period
  • You are both no longer on the dating site or app where you met him.
  • You are progressing through these stages of courtship.
  • You are properly engaged, betrothed and are in a marriage prep course
  • And you have taken marriage vows before God and a priest, in the presence of both your family and friends, in church!

PS – when he pressures you or tries to push for more while kissing, just sigh gently and said something like this “I like you very much and this is really nice, but I can only have sex when I am in an exclusive, monogamous relationship” and then you push him away.

You’d be surprised how quickly this stance will filter out predators, liars, abusers, narcissists and manipulators; they will drop out of your life like flies.  Don’t feel discouraged or sad that they end the relationship or it does not go further – see it as confirmation and proof that this person never had good intentions for you.  Boundaries are kryptonite to predators and abusers.

Side note – read my article on the PERILS OF PASSIONATE KISSING to see understand why you should not even indulge in this, no matter how attracted you are to him.

Also, see THIS ARTICLE on why men ghost and refuse to commit after they have had sex from you.

You cannot simply “go with the flow” while dating, even if he tells you that he is going with the flow.  Trust me, he is not.  Men are VERY STRATEGIC when dating and you must also be strategic in order to protect your heart, your body and your virtue.
Don’t ever mistake the dating process as “just having fun”.
Sure, you should have fun, but always be strategic.
Dating is a process of vetting and seeing if this person is even fit to be a boyfriend, let alone spouse.  It is to be done with purpose, strategy and direction – otherwise, you will be swept away, used and discarded.

Have a word document or file on your computer, if necessary, and note down any patterns of behaviour he is showing.
Read my articles on online dating and make notes to ascertain if he is truly serious about you.  Create a pros and cons list, if needs be, and note down the positive signs he is showing you (ie introducing to people in his life, being respectful, paying on dates etc) and the negative warning signs (him being secretive, lying, hiding you, being stingy, complaining about paying on dates with you or others and so on)

We women are emotional creatures and our emotions will often cloud our judgment and common sense.  Men know this and this is why predatory men try to play on our emotions or try to get us emotionally attached to them so that they can then play us, get what they want from us and discard us, quickly moving on.  Writing things down is a good way to hack your brain and ensure that you are not basking too much in emotions to see the reality of what is happening.

Being trad and feminine does not mean being so nice and allowing just anyone and everyone to have easy access to you and your body.
It is the exact opposite! It entails having strong discernment skills, being wise and being strategic.
Do you think the Hasidic women (the orthodox Jewish women) or hijabi women (the traditional Muslim women) would allow easy to men? No!!
So as Catholics, followers of the one true religion, we should have even higher standards and boundaries when interacting with men and definitely when dating.

The digital age of online dating has made things so much easier for predatory, toxic or dishonourable men and made things far less safe for women.
If you must use online dating or even offline dating, you should expect that only about 1-5% of people there are genuine and you should have these guidelines in place for your own protection, dignity and self-respect.

 

Our Lady, Seat of Wisdom, pray for us!!

 

MORE RESOURCES 

 The Catholic Girl's Survival Guide for the Single Years: The Nuts and Bolts of Staying Sane and Happy While Waiting for Mr. Right   

  

      

 ad Jesum per Mariam

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3 thoughts on “How To Stop Men Ghosting Or Breadcrumbing You

  1. Why you advise anyone to commit a sin against impurity? I am confused by your approach toward your non-Catholic readers. They may be ignorant of the Church’s teaching, but that does not mean they can not still sin against natural law and their conscience. Finally, these acts, outside of marriage, in themselves are harmful to a person and will damage their soul, as does all sin.

    “IF YOU ARE NOT A CATHOLIC
    You must hold off on heavy petting and sleeping with a guy until the following has been achieved”

    Like

    1. i do get a handful of non-catholics who follow my blog and that section was addressed to them. however, you do make a great point and i will consider this in future posts.

      Like

  2. Thank you!!

    When I met my husband he introduced me to his friends and family quite early on, and he met my family on our first date, as he picked me up at home where I was still living with my family. In fact, he and my dad got chit-chatting right away! He soon after took me to meet his boss at work.

    Also, early on I told him I wanted to save sex for marriage and he respected that. We did wait.

    Is it any wonder 2 months in he suggested a future together. We began discussing marriage and family. We agreed on an engagement date to begin 1 year after we met, and we were married within 8 months. It would have been sooner, but my brother was getting married and family asked that we wait our turn. We’ve just had our 21st wedding anniversary.

    I really grieve for every young woman who gives in to sex so easily. My husband never pressured me for sex while we were dating and engaged. That pressuring is a major red flag. A man who pressures for sex is clearly advertising that he is toxic.

    Liked by 2 people

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