Finances, Traditional Marriage And The Stay At Home Wife

I came across THIS THREAD and my jaw dropped!

There are so many things wrong with her statement and I blame it on pure ignorance on what being a SAHM is all about.

No. Being a SAHM does not entitle you to a salary.

No.ย  You do not and should not get paid for your duties as a housewife and SAHM.

That is absolutely preposterous!

What’s next?ย  Demanding payment to have sex with your husband?!

Ridiculous. Dot. Com.

Are you a hooker or a wife?!

Stop commodifying your marriage and making it more of a transaction and less of a sacrament.

What a SAHM is entitled to and SHOULD be receiving is an allowance.

Not a salary; not a payment; but an ALLOWANCE from her husband.

I am honestly surprised that people jump into marriage and into having babies without having important talks like this first.

I believe that the reason why so many Catholic women baulk at the idea of being full-time housewives or SAHMs is because of financial issues.ย  They are terrified of being financially dependent on a guy who just won’t provide for them.ย  Why did you marry him then?

While their fears may have some basis, they must realise that these issues can easily be resolved with clear, open, sincere and solutions-oriented communication with the spouse or spouse to be.

It seems people today simply expect their partner to read their minds and then get both angry and resentful when the partner does not tow in line with their internal movie script.ย  How insane is that, right?!

This is also why these types of women cringe at the idea of Biblical submission.

The whole point of submission is that it is A GIFT that you give to a man who is worthy of it.ย 

Submission is you surrendering to a man who you TRUST to protect and provide for you, and if you do not trust him to protect and provide for you, why are you marrying him?

This is the reason we are to avoid dating STINGY MEN and FAUX TRAD MEN.

Now, the amount that the woman in the above thread is requesting from her husband is a little high in my opinion and I think that when it comes to receiving an allowance from the husband, the most appropriate amount to request is an agreed percentage of his monthly income, after taxes and household expenses.

This percentage is a number that should be determined by both parties and should be up for review every few years or with the birth of additional babies, but as a general rule, the percentage can be anything from 15-25% of the husband’s net income.

The main benefit of using the percentage method is that your allowance will grow as your husband’s income grows.

So if you are courting or married and desire to be a SAHM, be mindful that you will lose your income and as such you are entitled to an allowance from your husband, so sit down and have that talk as soon as you can.

After all, what is his is also yours.ย  However, don’t be ridiculous about your demands.

Money is one of the major contributing factors to marriage breakdown in today’s society, so being aligned in this area is just as important as being equally yoked in faith.

If the man you are dating is not open to you being a housewife/SAHM or to providing an allowance, let him go!

You’ll save yourself unnecessary heartache and financial abuse later down the line.

As a wife and especially as a SAHM, the three main financial requests that you can make are:

  1. your husband paying into your pension to match his
  2. your husband paying any medical insurance to match his
  3. a personal allowance for you to spend as you fit and preferably this should be a percentage, rather than a set figure

In fact, the first two ie pension and medical insurance payments should be considered non-negotiable household expenses, as they are just as essential as the food you eat.

Your husband would not expect you to purchase your own food if you are a SAHM and housewife, so how would he expect you to fund your pension and medical insurance payments out of thin air?

It’s unreasonable and no normal adult man would do this to his SAHW.

If you are not willing to have the money talk, then you are not ready to be married.

A woman should never ever have to hand out her hand to her husband to ask for money.

It is disrespectful and you are not his child.

In the early stages of your courtship and relationship, you should already let your beau know that when you do marry, you intend to marry someone who would allow you to be a housewife and SAHM, as this is important to you.

Now, if he is a guy that is not a provider type, has no desire for traditional gender roles or simply wants to prey upon and use you, he would end the relationship at this point.

In which case, you should silently offer up thanks to God that no more of your time has been wasted and then move on to dating others.

On the other hand, if he is truly pathological, he may love-bomb you to try and get you to have sex with him and then dump you.

The point is that you set your standards from the beginning because what you allow in the early stages sets the precedent for the type of behaviour that you would continue to receive from him.

Now, assuming he is okay with you being a SAHM and housewife, a couple of weeks or so afterwards, you should drop in conversation that you know SAHMs and housewives are entitled to allowances from their spouses, in addition to payment into their pensions and medical insurance, but you think it is more reasonable that you and your future husband-to-be discuss an agreed percentage of net income (after taxes, bills, pensions etc) rather than aย  set figure.

Not only would your beau be impressed at how smart, decisive and focused you are, but he would also note that you are being fair in your desire for an income percentage, instead of a fixed amount.

In the scenario that I described above, you are not telling him what to do or demanding anything from him.

You are simply stating what you want from your future spouse, which could be him or not.

By taking the pressure off him, he has the option to reflect and then decide if he is willing to offer what you want in order to be his wife.

If he does, he would go ahead and propose, knowing your expectations of him as a husband ie that if he wants you as a wife, he must be prepared to:

  • Let you be a housewife and SAHM
  • Pay into your pension and any medical insurance, as this is part of household expenses
  • Provide you with an allowance, based on a percentage of his net income.

By letting a man know your intentions early on, you save yourself wasted time, heartbreak and give him the option to either rise to meet your expectations or bow out…..all without manipulating him or making any demands.

“But Paige, what happens if I am a SAHM trad wife and my husband dies before me??!”

Draw a little closer cos Imma let you in on the secret.

It’s called:

  • Having a pension
  • Having Life Insurance
  • Having passive income or side hustle from home
  • Moving to a cheaper area and/or buying a smaller home, which you then pay off quickly
  • Being very astute in personal and family financial planning.

In other words, ADULTING.

In addition, if the wife has a degree or qualification, she has a backup.ย  Sure, she may not be able to get into an executive position, but she is not unemployable either.

When you show yourself to be a high-quality TCF woman, you will attract high-quality men, as a high-quality TCF woman is a rare and refreshing find in today’s culture.

You can absolutely be feminine and traditional, while also being a woman with standards and boundaries.

The true TCF woman is a woman of virtue and standards; she is not a free-for-all and that is exactly what makes her a catch if she is single, and what makes her a rare, priceless and irreplaceable gem to her husband, if she is married.

Our Lady and St Joseph, model of perfect marital harmony, pray for us!

 

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3 thoughts on “Finances, Traditional Marriage And The Stay At Home Wife

  1. Great article! I have a question, what would be correct to do with the savings the bride bring into the marriage? Not that I am engaged but I am fascinated to get the right answers to so many questions I had and no one had a practical and/or logical answer from a Catholic perspective.
    I also want to thank you, you have been a God sent to me. I prayed to the Lord to help me understand how I am supposed to discern who to marry or how to “date” and I found you. I reverted 3 years ago after a life full of regrets but now looking ahead in hope. Discovering tradition has transformed my life and I am planning to start working from home in the next year while the Lord calls for something else.

    I find so much peace in your articles and something I have understood is that the Lord loves peace and quietness of heart so I have no doubt that your message is truly inspired. Since I felt the call to marriage and started dating, I knew that being on my early 30s, (because I foolishly prioritise my career), was going to be a challenge but that if He so wanted me to marry, then I trusted Him. But, wow!, the confusion and anxiety I experienced was so demoralising that I desisted and I have been thinking all this time what did I do wrong, did I misunderstand? am I called to religious life instead? what of the heck was that? I realised that there is no way that I can stand online dating again (catholic site but oh boy!), it may be great for some but it is just not for me, I have never seen so much brokenness in one place.

    One of the things that I found the most difficult is that I felt a complete frivolous woman, and I do not think I am but this experience made me feel miserable because many men approached me and I rejected them because the match was not right mainly because of financial and/or intellectual disparity, not that I ever mentioned that. I felt that rejection was right and charitable but at the same time I felt miserable because it seems to be an idea around that if he is a good Catholic then that is enough. I have felt ill all this time because I felt the most horrible human being, but I was thinking ok then, what I am supposed to do with the support that I need to provide to my widowed mother? what I am supposed to do with the transatlantic trips that I need to do to see my family once in a while and are obviously expensive? do I have to renounce to all lawful and at my current budget interests? Of course I know there will be some sacrifices but how far is too far? and then I saw your message in another article about dating men at the same or higher income/status with a very practical and logical explanation and my heart felt at ease. Thank you Paige!

    Like

  2. Your article is fascinating, so much to think about! Could you explain specifically what you mean about paying into a pension for the wife? And I love the suggestion to receive a percentage, not a set amount.

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    1. If the wife is a SAHM, her husband should be paying into her pension. Some corporations will do this automatically when they pay into the husband’s pension, but if the husband’s employers doesn’t have provisions for this, he should set up a private or independent pension for the wife and pay into it as well.

      Just because she is not earning an income outside of the house does not mean she is not entitled to a pension contribution.

      And to be honest, governments should recognise the efforts of SAHMs and set up an automatic pension contribution for married women who choose to be housewives or SAHMs.

      Like

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