You’ve met this amazing guy and things may be going really well and then he decides to propose to you.
You are, of course, elated, but WAIT!!!
Don’t go booking a betrothal ceremony or spend your money on buying a dress just yet!
How sure are you that this engagement or proposal is even legit?
Why Would A Person Fake A Proposal?
Narcissistic, Sociopathic and Psychopathic people are notorious for fake and pseudo proposals and they do this for many reasons:
- They enjoy duping people and want to see how far they can dupe you to believe and buy into their BS.
- They use it as a control tactic to lock you down and make you unavailable to others without actually properly committing to you.
- They future-fake ie fake wanting a future with you, but they just enjoy keeping you holding on to hope.
- They want you to move in with them, have sex with them, have joint bank accounts with them or dupe you in some other way.
- They are simply using you to feed their ego, and get admiration, praise and attention from other people
And these are just a few!
So, here are my top tips for spotting a faux proposal.
HE GIVES YOU A PROMISE RING
Giving a promise ring instead of a proper engagement is ring is a sign of grotesque immaturity and narcissistic people are NOTORIOUS for their immature behaviour.
Promise rings are exchanged generally between teenagers who are courting, NOT grown adults.
A manipulative person will fake a proposal by giving you a promise ring as a substitute for the real thing because they are incapable of true intimacy or they want to lead you on with the hope of a marriage and keep you locked down without actually committing to you.
The appropriate response is to treat it like the joke it is.
Feel free to laugh as if he is pulling a prank on you and then sweetly tell him you’d rather wait for a proper ring.
YOU HAVEN’T MET HIS FAMILY OR CLOSE FRIENDS BEFORE THE PROPOSAL.
This person has A LOT to hide and wants to lock you down so that escape is more difficult after finding out more about him.
During the courtship and before a proposal, you should have met his family and friends first.
Observe his interactions with them and listen to what they say.
They may inadvertently warn you about him, disguised as humour.
HE PROPOSED BUT IS STILL ON THE DATING SITE
You should not even be exclusive to anyone who still has a dating profile on.
Exclusivity means just that – exclusivity – and if he still has an active dating profile, he is NOT exclusive.
After the initial first few dates, when he asks you to be exclusive, to court you or to be his girlfriend (see STAGES OF COURTSHIP), he should be OFF the dating sites at this point.
You should feel insulted that he is proposing to you when he is still on the sites cos what he is really saying is “I think you are actually stupid to say Yes while I am still actively dating others”
It does not mean that you are actually stupid, but a lot of abusive or manipulative men have no appreciation for truly feminine women and they equate your tenderness with foolishness and naivety.
These men like to label traditional feminine Catholic women as pushovers.
So what do you do in this case?
You simply say “Are you on the website still? Then no, I do not wish to be engaged to you at this time”
If he claims to be off the dating website, have a friend join the site – or several sites – and keep a lookout for his profile.
This is your life and safety we are talking about, and sociopaths often lie about not being on dating sites.
If he tells you he is not on dating sites and you find out otherwise, please just dump him at once by blocking him and never speak to him.
Don’t listen to excuses or explanations, which will simply be more lies, gaslighting and BS.
HE PROPOSES TO YOU AND QUICKLY UPDATES HIS SOCIAL MEDIA (OR ASKS YOU TO UPDATE YOURS) TO ‘ENGAGED’ ON FACEBOOK
This guy does not love you.
You are being used to prop up his ego or to make someone else jealous.
It is a faux proposal, all done for show and to make people give him attention and so on.
It is also done to embarrass and lock you down, making a public claim to you without an actual real commitment.
I have heard of men who do this without even giving the girl a proper ring. Despicable!!! And I cannot believe women are actually falling for this crap.
HE GIVES YOU A FAKE RING OR NO RING AT ALL
This guy believes that by asking you to marry him, he is already displaying commitment and that should be enough, without any tangible evidence or actions to back this up.
Do not accept this proposal.
Just laugh and say something “I have to say No, thank you. I don’t want to jinx things while I wait for a PROPER PROPOSAL and a PROPER RING from you!”
To be honest, I would not see this guy any longer because he is trying to emotionally scam you and will not stop trying in the future.
When people show you who they are, believe them the first time.
LITTLE TO NO TALK OF A WEDDING DATE
Before you even announce the engagement to family and friends, you need to be sure he is sincere and not using you as a placeholder by locking you down into a never-ending divorce.
Decided on a wedding date and then book it with the church.
Obviously, after announcing to the family, you can adjust the date slightly, but the wedding date should be decided and booked BEFORE you tell your family.
And as you know, it should never be more than 12-18 months from the date of the proposal.
HE GIVES YOU A CHEAP RING
Now, a ring does not need to cost the earth in order to be a valid engagement ring, but it should be valuable and should include a precious stone, whether it is ruby, emerald, sapphire or diamond.
I am old-fashioned and, like most trad girls, partial to a diamond ring.
It does not have to be a really expensive ring, but it should be a diamond ring because that is what I like.
If he says he cannot afford a proper ring, then he is not ready to be engaged – he is using you as a placeholder.
Tell him to wait until he is ready AND able to do so.
My husband even asked me what type of ring I like BEFORE he proposed.
My preferred ring was a Princess Cut solitaire ring and that was what he got me.
My only issue was that he got it in a white gold band and I would have liked a yellow gold band to go with my wedding ring, which is yellow gold. But that is a very mild oversight on his part.
Now, let’s say your gut instincts are warning you that the gentleman who is proposing to you is insincere or has an agenda, what do you do when he presents you with a ring that looks a little off to you?
You say Yes and then ask him about the ring, cut, carat size etc.
Just don’t ask the cost.
Next, add something like “Oh, this looks so pretty! I am going to go get it evaluated/appraised so I can insure it and cherish it forever”.
Then watch his reaction.
If he panics, then he got you a fake ring.
If not, you should still go get the ring appraised to be sure that it is actually what he says it is.
A man who lies to you about something like this will have much more bigger and dangerous lies, and this is also a sign of an exploitative sociopath – you DO NOT want to be marrying or even dating these.
Even if the ring is legit, I would still recommend you get it insured …….just in case, you are a clumsy klutz like me.
I have very small fingers and my husband was a little off with the engagement ring size and silly me, I didn’t want to have it resized.
I would also take the ring off each time I did the dishes or had a bath.
So one day, I was helping to do the dishes at my older sister’s house following a family dinner get-together and I took off my engagement ring to do so.
Lost the ring.
The panic!! I was only about 3 weeks engaged at that point!!.
Luckily, we were able to find it before it slipped down into the waste disposal and when I later got sized for my wedding ring, I made sure I got a firm fit so that the engagement ring could sit behind the wedding ring on my finger, and prevent it slipping it off.
So this is my list of red flags of fake or joke proposal/engagement.
Would you add anything else to the list?
Remember, a man who is truly serious about you will ask to know what type of rings you like BEFORE he proposes.
If you wear a rosary ring, signet or religious ring on your left hand regularly, he might ‘borrow’ it to get your ring size.
And he certainly will not insult you by proposing to you while he is still on a dating website.
Practice wisdom and discernment, ladies!!
You do not have to say YES to any guy simply because he is courting you him and if you have been duped into an insincere engagement, you can call it off. You STILL keep the ring.
Our Lady, Seat of Wisdom, pray for us.
ad Jesum per Mariam
2 thoughts on “Engagement And Proposal Red Flags”
Different countries may have different traditions about engagement rings though. In Norway for example, it’s common to have an engagement ring without a stone but a wedding ring with a stone. So I wouldn’t say that’s a hard rule.
Me and my husband knew we wanted to get married pretty early on and he asked me to show me some examples of rings that I liked before the official proposal.
Of course not. But it is still about making the right choice in what the lady wants. Some want a diamond, others don’t. Others may even prefer a Pearl. The point is to show consideration for her preferences as it is tantamount to respecting and valuing her