So heartbroken over a post I saw by a young woman in an online Catholic women’s forum.
This lady has been married for less than a year and discovered that her husband has been cheating on her from month 6 of their marriage.
She says they were both virgins before marriage. I doubt that.
She may have been a virgin, but this man clearly wasn’t. I suspect he hid his sexual perversions from her
She also said that they dated for about 6 years before marriage.
This is why I echo what Fr Ripperger says: courtship should never be more than 2 years before marriage.
The Stages of a Catholic courtship should be used as a guideline and you must end the relationship if it is not progressing through the different courtship/dating stages in a timely manner.
There is A REASON why a man is stalling and none of them are good.
Don’t listen to the excuses or justifications he is giving; actions and behaviour speak louder than words.
Trust the pattern he is showing you.
When a man waits that long before marrying the woman he is dating, chances are that he settled for her and a man that settles this way is more likely to abuse and mistreat the woman.
Like the cheating itself isn’t bad enough and abusive enough, she mentions that they have no children because he turns her down for sex.
So this man can be a community penis for every other woman, but won’t have sex with his own wife??! 🙄
A lot of women on the forum were telling her, rightly so, to get the marriage annulled esp as he is turning her down for sex, there are no children and the marriage is less than a year old.
The guy clearly lied to her prior to marriage.
He married her under false pretenses. This is a scam and a manipulation.
But she says she doesn’t want to.
It could be that she may be ashamed that she made the choice to marry someone who treats her this way and is ashamed at what people would say if they divorce now.
But the abuse will only get worse and the shame and pain experienced later would be far greater than what it is now.
The shame is not hers to carry – it is his shame and she shouldn’t carry it.
When abusers and predators have got you locked down, they often remove their masks and you get to see the evil behind them.
You should never be afraid to walk away from a relationship if the other person suddenly changes after you become exclusive, or after you get engaged or even after you just got married.
In addition, I fear for her life because cases like these often end up in murder.
The guy kept her waiting for so long, then married her out of desperation and now that he has her trapped , he is off looking for a more suitable person.
A person this cold, callous and calculating will have no problems whatsoever killing and discarding their spouse when they decide that they have now “found the love of their life that they have been looking for”
This is why people who lack empathy are dangerous.
They do not value you, they do not value your relationship or marriage, and they do not value your life.
Think of the Chris Watt’s case.
It is better to remain single than to get trapped in a union where you are mistreated, abused, and ultimately in danger for your life.
Do not be so desperate to get married that you allow a guy to lead you, make you wait years to get married, that you overlook red flags or that you think your virtues will change this person.
It is okay and Biblical to have standards and to be picky.
As a Catholic woman, you are supposed to be picky, to value your virtues, and to have boundaries. Your boundaries are the walls that protect your virtues and femininity.
The red flags have been there all along, but this lady chose to ignore them then and is still choosing to ignore them now.
Don’t be like this.
Red flags never get better; they get far worse.
Predators sell you a dream, but deliver a nightmare.
Marriage IS serious business and should not be entered into lightly, should not be entered into with an unsuitable person, and should definitely not be entered into based simply on just ‘feelings’ or a desire to get married.
So, please I beg of you, educate yourself, your daughters and your sisters on all these topics below.
Print out and file the articles, if you must, so you can easily refer back to them again and again. Share this post with other people so they took do not get trapped by predators in false, scam marriages and relationships.
Watch for the Early Red Flags of Abusive or Predatory People
Your relationships should be progressing through the stages of a courtship in a timely manner.
A man keeping you waiting should be insulting to you because he is clearly exploiting your time and youth.
This is why you should never wait for a guy.
Men Who Target Catholic Women Cos They View Them As Pushovers
Engagement and Proposal Red Flags
Make sure the man you are dating is marriage-minded.
If he is not, he is definitely wasting your time and exploiting you.
You should feel offended that anyone is treating you this way and you should walk away.
Why Your Virtues Will Not Change Him.
Your relationship should be exhibiting these growth markers and should be steadily progressing through certain goals – if it is not, you would be best advised to leave.
Remaining in stagnant relationships is invitation to be mistreated and abused.
How You Can Avoid The Divorce Epidemic
And you can find even more advice and tips HERE
Simplemindedness and lack of wisdom is NOT a virtue.
When Jesus Himself warns us of wolves in sheep clothing and tells us to stay away from them and to not be unequally yoked, why do we persist in disobeying Him and then get surprised and hurt when abusive, neglectful, predatory person does abusive, neglectful, predatory things.
Our Lady, Seat Of Wisdom, Pray For Us
ad Jesum per Mariam
13 thoughts on “When Your Marriage Is A Lie”
This is a heartbreaking story. I wish I had come across the wisdom on your blog on red flags before getting married. My husband is seriously depressed but refuses to get help—he instead blames his anger, refusal to go to confession, and overall self-loathing on my disobedience (I’m working on it!) The man actually blames me for his alcoholism. Any advice is appreciated. I feel incredibly trapped here with my 1yo.
I’m so sorry you are going through this.
Please know that his behaviour, his anger and alcoholism are NOT your fault.
Rage and refusal to change or take accountability for anything he does are signs of narcissism.
And narcissists are never happy; they are often depressed.
Your child living in an environment like this will be extremely damaging to him, even if you think he is too young to understand.
His brain is absorbing everything and it can have serious consequences for him later in childhood and adulthood.
If I were you, I’d want to protect my child from this.
I would give him an ultimatum and tell him to get help within a month or I’ll be moving out.
If he refuses, then I’d take my child and move out to a family member’s home and stay there till he gets the help he needs.
Most alcoholics do not change until they hit rock bottom this way.
I don’t know if he has ever been physical with you, but if he has, don’t tell him you are moving out.
Just quietly get in touch with a domestic violence shelter and move out with your child. From there, you can then call him and let him know you’ve moved out until he has changed and gotten clean.
Narcissism itself is bad enough, but narcissism with his rage and alcoholism – that us a ticking time bomb.
You should do whatever you need to do to keep yourself and your child safe.
This situation will not get better; it will only escalate unless you do something – now!
Praying for you.
Please find a traditional catholic priest to speak to.
You may wish to consider getting the marriage annulled.
Even if he comes clean of alcoholism, the rage and narcissism will still be there and that is a deadly situation to be in.
Thank you for your response. I’m continuing to pray for him and treat him with compassion as if he is sick (as a priest recommended). I’m wondering: is there a Catholic agency / help out there to help me determine whether our marriage is valid?
My gut tells me it is, but a part of me wonders whether he really is a narcissist. And I knew he was alcoholic before marriage (so I guess that’s just my fault?)
re your question, i would start by finding a priest….specifically, a traditional priest in the Latin rites
I have been married to a narcissist for 30 years. Yes, 3 – 0. It is only in the last several years that I have come across youtube videos that describe exactly what I have been going through. I thought I was going crazy. Dr. Ramani is a clinical psychologist who can help you. Dr. Les Carter is a grandfatherly type who can lend empathy and comfort. Get a good counselor. I don’t have a Catholic counselor but found a wonderful Christian who respects my traditional faith and has helped me heal and regain my voice. Don’t wait 30 years. Catholics can separate for severe psychological abuse and you can investigate anullments while you are getting better. God bless you.
To me personally, it seems the influence of modern Feminism disrespects the teaching of the church and convinces women to dominate men and engage in sinning as a means to manipulate, control, and often conquer men. I’m interested in seeing an article that advises men on how to filter and avoid destroying their lives by choosing such a woman. It just seems the institution of holy matrimony is being perverted on so many levels.
God Bless and thank you in advance,
You make really good points!!
While my audience is mainly female, I do try to occasionally accommodate my male readers.
So I will look into your article suggestion and will try to have a blog post in response by the end of this Friday.
Thank you for sharing!!
So how would you explain this to the Catholic men who will reject her for not being a virgin?
Don’t misunderstand, Paige; I 100% agree with you about staying in the marriage. I’m just asking what she should do once she has managed to get out of it, get the annulment and then deal with the emotional fallout she will have. It’s hard to admit you made such a terrible mistake, particularly when you will forever be condemned by some people for correcting it.
well, that is something she has to live it and maybe she will learn to make better choices in future. there are lots of women who were not virgins when they got married. a catholic man obsessing over her virginity in a time like this is weird.
i doubt any decent catholic man in today’s world will reject her for not being a virgin.
that is just insane.
i know of many couples who had their previous marriages annulled for various reasons and are happily remarried.
and yes, she should deal with the emotional fallout – it will be there – and it will be a lesson for her. when we make bad choices or wrong choices, we have to deal with the fallout. that is life and hopefully she will learn to be more discerning in future.
when we disobey God, refuse to practise discernment and wisdom and end up in a bad situation, we do not remain in that bad situation. that would be crazy.
We get up, repent, and fix things.
ending the conversation here cos i don’t do multiple back-and-forth circular conversations. you are welcome to me email me if you have further issues.
it also seems that you are determined to do whatever you want to do. so you should do that.
i have no interest in convincing you or anyone else – i am here to share information and the ones who are wise will hear and take heed.
those who are set on a path of their own, will reframe catechism and scripture to suit their own agenda (just like you did ) and will have to deal with the consequences of their own actions.
Unfortunately, there is a a tendency — particularly among Catholics — to assume that if someone is civilly divorced, it’s because they don’t have a sacramental understanding of marriage. When I was in that state, I had many men reject me as a companion without even asking me about the situation. Others expected me to explain my situation, in full detail, before so much as meeting me in person.
I objected to the latter because the details aren’t everyone’s business. I didn’t mind clarifying that yes, I was free to marry in the Church before meeting someone. But as far as I was concerned, any other discussions were off-limits until we’d already discussed more important issues such as compatibility. I did have a right to privacy.
Those who insisted on the details did so because they were sure that a civilly divorced person couldn’t possibly be free to marry in the Church, and in response to my “that’s a bit too personal” objection would proceed to lecture me about how poorly I had been catechized. This was the situation I was stuck in for more than a decade before finally meeting a man who actually agreed that the boundary I drew was entirely appropriate; and yes, he did know the full situation before we became engaged. Just not right up front.
This attitude of “either she’s lying or she’s wrong” cost me the chance to have children, because I was at the very end of my childbearing years when I finally met the compatible person with whom I’m now building my domestic Church.
Paige, how would you advise a woman who hesitates to end a clearly non-Sacramental marriage and get civilly divorced (in the US, you usually cannot get a civil annulment if the marriage has lasted more than 60-90 days) because she doesn’t want to give up all chances of having children? Is she obligated to tell people about why she has a Catholic annulment before they even agree to date her? Or would she be justified in saying, “I understand your concern but I am free to marry. We can discuss further once we’ve gotten to know each other better,” the way I did — knowing that most men would reject her outright?
no, a woman is not obligated at all to disclose in full why she had an annulment?
and yes, she can say something like “I understand your concern but I am free to marry. We can discuss further once we’ve gotten to know each other better,”
men who are interested will understand and respect that. men who are simply looking for anexcuse to reject her outright may walk away and honestly, that is a better outcome for her as these types of men would have walked away anyway
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That was generally what I did. If they weren’t willing to trust that I knew what I was talking about when it came to my own life, I moved on. The problem was that it took me nearly twenty years to find the man who agreed with the boundary, and those were my fertile years.
I can understand why someone might want to stay in this kind of marriage because she might not otherwise have the chance to have children. It’s not a reason I would agree with — do you really want to have children with this kind of father? — but it’s understandable. This may be why she’s so afraid of the stigma about leaving him.
That, and it appears they’ve had sex at least a few times so she’s not a virgin any longer. That alone makes her “damaged goods” in most men’s eyes. I’m all for not giving up an inch when it comes to the rules, but I would also support a kinder, gentler approach to it — consider each situation separately, and make no assumptions. How would you suggest we explain that to Catholic men?
staying an abusive marriage in order to have children is one of the most selfish things i have ever heard.
children in abusive marriages get neglected and abused, but you are willing to brig children into that scenario simply because of your own desire to have kids??!
and then what if he harms or kills the children. remaining in such an obviously unequally yoked union is saying “i do not trust God to bring me a suitable partner, so I will stay here even though God is sending me warnings about this person”
when we ignore God’s warnings, we only bring more pain and heartbreak on ourselves.
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