So, a TCF reader sent me the following interaction between her and a guy she met on a Christian dating website.
Hello there. My name is XYZ. I am a practicing Catholic…..blah blah blah. `Would love to hear from you.
*before responding, she checks out his profile first*
*sees on his profile that he mentions he doesn’t want kids.
She knows she wants a family and has explicitly said so in her profile, so this guy is obviously a liar and manipulator, trying to gaslight her*
You see, abusers and manipulators generally throw out bait to many many people to see who is gullible enough to bite.
Thanks for your message. Your profile does mention that you do not want kids, but I do and as such, I don’t think we are a good match. Good luck in your search.
That was a decent and gracious way to reject him.
Now any normal guy would have realised that he’s been rumbled and would back away, but toxic and abusive people are so entitled they think that they can just ignore your boundaries. This is his next response.
Why not let’s meet and see? You can change my mind regarding having kids.
The absolute nerve of this guy!!
Not only has he lied and gaslighted her, now he wants her jumping through hoops to please him.
Dangling the carrot – this is a tactic that abusers and manipulators use in order to convince you that if you just did XYZ, then they’ll give what you want, but it never happens.
They keep shifting the goalposts and dangling that carrot in front of you, and you end up bending over backwards, compromising your own standards and nearly killing yourself in order to get that darn carrot!
A lot of women who are fixers fall for this tactic as they convince themselves that a little bit more love, or charity, or patience, or XYZ will eventually change the guy and then they, ie the women, would get what they want and deserve
It is a mark of pride and arrogance to think anything you do or say will change a person – abuser or not – and abusers use this God-complex and ego within these “fixer” women against them. It’s almost like the perfect con, to be honest.
Now, this man above has already displayed very clear RED FLAGS already of him being predatory and manipulative.
A lot of people that got involved with toxic, manipulative or abusive people always say that they were blindsided and did not notice any red flags.
This is not strictly true.
Abusers always tell on themselves in the beginning and the red flags are usually there – we only have to LISTEN and not
J. A. D. E. (Justify, Argue, Defend, or Explain) these red flags away or develop a God-complex by thinking we can fix or change them.
Now, if Ms. TCF reader above was your regular Catholic gal, she would have probably been like:
“Awww. He’s right. I judged him too quickly. I’ll go on that date and eventually through prayer, kindness, and charity, he’ll eventually marry me and have a family with me.”
No! He won’t!! He really won’t!!
He would gaslight you, use you, abuse you, compromise your virtue, steal from you, kill your hope and joy, turn you bitter and then throw you away.
But luckily, Ms. TCF reader is smart and she has been reading my articles.
She knows that as a TCF gal she is a woman of virtue, a rare ruby, and that means she doesn’t need to lower her standards and boundaries for anyone, only to get compromised.
The guy had already shown utter disrespect by asking her to downgrade & cheapen herself into accepting something she doesn’t want.
So this is what Ms. TCF reader said:
No thanks. I don’t want to have to change anyone’s mind when there are actually men out there who do want kids.
I want a partner, not a project.
Good girl!! So proud of her!!
Never let anyone pull you into the scarcity mindset of hinting or insinuating that you can’t do any better and therefore you must accept whatever low standards or crappy behaviour that they are offering you.
There are over 7 BILLION people on this planet and you will find the person that meets and respects both you and your standards.
You will not meet them, however, if you keep entertaining every dog that barks at you on the way to the market.
So remain focused on what you want and never let anyone sway you from it.
And you do not have to be nice or accommodating to disrespectful manipulative people either.
In the above scenario, she let him down in an honest and gracious manner, but his arrogance and entitlement just didn’t want to take NO for an answer and he had to come back with a response.
By the way, this is what toxic people do – they have no sense of boundaries or self respect, so they always like to have the last word due to their pride and ego bruise.
When he came back, pushing for more, she had to be much more firm in her boundaries and reject him in a much more firm manner, which is fine.
People like him feel so entitled that they feel you owe them and his last response was
“I can see why you are single.”
In other words, I can’t handle the fact that we are just not compatible and you won’t let me use you, so I’ll just insult you instead.
Right there, he just outed himself as the nasty piece of work that he is.
Thankfully, this was all online.
If you reject a guy like this in person, you’ll probably end up getting stalked, harassed, abused or worse.
There are lots of stories in the news about women who were shot, attacked or killed by men they said NO to or men they were in a relationship with and they tried to leave them.
This sort of entitlement is classic of narcissists and sociopaths, so when you see this trait in whatever degree in another person, RUN!!!
Having boundaries not only helps you maintain your dignity but can save your life.
If Ms. TCF Reader had given in to this one boundary violation, do you think this man would have respected or loved her for it?
No! He would have seen her as a pushover and then continued to demolish her boundaries, giving her less and less.
The moment you put up with A SINGLE BAD BEHAVIOUR in a relationship, regardless of what type of relationship it is, you open up the door to be even more disrespected, and then used and abused.
This is what abusers do. They push and encourage you to cheapen and degrade yourself.
As you can also see, these sorts of people do not respond to decency, graciousness or kindness.
If I were Ms TCF Reader, the moment I visited his profile and saw the disconnect between what his profile says and what he is telling me in the message, I wouldn’t even bother engaging with him – NOT EVEN to let him down gently.
I would’ve just blocked him instantly.
The same thing applies if you are dealing with someone – a romantic interest or not – and you discover that their words and actions do not align.
Don’t call them up on it, or point out their hypocrisy or even tell them that you’ve sussed them out. JUST. LET. THEM. GO.
There is honestly no point in doing otherwise!! These people are so rigid in their delusional entitlement that nothing you do or say will change that, and you pointing out their hypocrisy or getting drawn into their ridiculous debate will lead you nowhere, steal your peace of mind and invite chaos in your life.
I follow this rule…..even on social media.
For example, I may post an update and I’ll get an asinine comment from someone claiming to be Catholic or Christian, but yet they are defending feminism, abortions, and so on.
Before I respond, I’ll check out their profiles first.
Private profile? Instantly blocked!
A profile that says they are: a Satanic person, a Christian witch, any number pronouns etc etc etc.
Basically, anything that contradicts what they say – INSTANT BLOCK!!
I have a life and a family, and ZERO interest in feeding into the drama of trolls, timewasters, and manipulators.
Feed into their debate or nonsense and before you know it, you’ll get mobbed, trolled, doxxed, or even physically attacked.
Don’t even give them the chance. Starve the trolls of their need for drama and block them.
Narcissists, trolls, and sociopaths don’t deal well with rejection or with you having a differing view to them, and they can be vindictive and vengeful in response.
It is not judgmental to say NO, THANK YOU.
It is not enough that we teach our children about Stranger-Danger
We should teach our children to learn to say NO, especially in situations or around people that they may not feel comfortable with.
Saying NO just might save their lives.
How many children have fallen prey to being raped, kidnapped or even killed by people who were close family or friends?
With every little boundary violation, the child would have been unable to say NO to this person because they were conditioned by their parents that it is rude or disrespectful to say NO to family members or friends.
The children have been taught not to trust their own feelings and even if they feel uncomfortable with Uncle XYZ….”he’s yor uncle, so go sit on his lap!”
Abusers and predators very often act normal to everyone else, except their target. This is how they fool people.
Just because someone is nice to you doesn’t mean that they are not abusive or inappropriate with someone else or with your child.
If your child is uncomfortable around a person who seems perfectly normal and nice to you or everyone, please don’t dismiss your child – LISTEN!
We should never teach our children that saying NO is disrespectful.
If you noticed, when our children were babies and first start speaking, one of the first words out of their mouths is NO! NO!
They used it all the time, much to our amusement.
Why did we start teaching them that the word NO is bad? Why did we start silencing our own babies?
Children who are brought up to be people-pleasers will often grow into adults with no boundaries, constantly being preyed upon by abusers and predators.
I honestly believe that the reason why so many adults fall prey to abusive, manipulative or predatory people is that, thanks to childhood and societal conditioning, they have been taught that saying NO, having boundaries and standards is disrespectful or judgmental.
Now, anyone can use and abuse you because if you say NO, you are cruel and mean and judgemental for not letting them abuse you. Insane!!
In fact, if you choose not to date a woman with a penis or a trans person or a gay person or basically anyone that is not your preference or choice, you are labeled a bigot, a trans-WHATEVER-phobe or a judgy person.
Do you see how ridiculous this has all become?!
You are being gaslighted not just by manipulative or abusive people, but by society in general.
Take your power back.
Draw a line in the sand.
Unfriend, delete, block and go No Contact from anyone who disrespects you, manipulates you or violates your boundaries or standards
Use the word NO and use it liberally!
The only person that you should use the word YES liberally and unquestioned is God and God alone.
Stick to your standards, boundaries, and preferences. When your boundaries get violated, enact consequences immediately!
Saying YES to anyone and everyone will leave you drained, sick, depressed, miserable, used and abused.
The above example from the TCF reader is not just applicable to online dating, but to dating in general – whether you meet them online or at church. More online-dating tips HERE
In fact, it’s not just applicable to romantic relationships, but to ALL types of relationships, including family and friendships
Don’t be the traditional Catholic pushover.
You can still be a traditional Catholic feminine woman AND have boundaries.
It is okay to be picky as pickiness shows discernment.
Our Lady, Seat of Wisdom, pray for us!!
ad Jesum per Mariam